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A friend mentioned something to me that got my mind and heart moving… and it prompts this thought of how do you show someone the uniqueness that you see in them? Not the vision on the surface of things, but more the them that lies hidden, yet visible just underneath. How do you reflect that of what you see back to them? And, what is the surface of the very mirror you us composed of? How do you express the beauty that is hidden in plain sight within them, so that they see their value, their worth, in such a way that they too are offered a glimpse of their purpose? This beauty is subjective I know… but the value lies within all of us, and the value itself is perceived in different ways to different people who possess different needs.
How do you show a mirror’s reflection back at someone? How do you show someone how beautiful they are, and what that beauty looks like to you?
There is a U2 song on the new album “No Line on the Horizon” and in the song is titled “Get On Your Boots,” where a lyric sings,
“You don’t know how beautiful you are..
you don’t know, you don’t get it do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are…”
The truth of this lyric resonate truth… because sometimes we don’t know how to see beauty in ourselves, because we suffer from a condition where we see ourselves everyday, we hear our own inner dialog everyday, and we see all of us everyday, and from a very tight and confining space that is the inside. Have you ever felt the cramped space on the inside where you can nearly find yourselves suffocating from the weight of yourself pressing inward? You almost can’t help but to notice the self on the inside if you are being honest… what we could observe are the negatives, the flaws, the areas of deficiency, the areas where we know need improvement. And to add to that, we can’t honestly see the depth of true beauty because what others see is reflective of their heart, their vision, and their unique perspective…. so I wonder how surprising we would find what others find beautiful in us? Would it be what we see, or would it be something that would have never occurred to us? I’m confident that it is the latter.
When we can see the beauty in others, and somehow capture it and send the reflection of it back to them, imagine how freeing that could be? Think of the awareness that could increase an individual’s vision of them self. Not for a vanity, but for a true view of them to seeing the God carrier that they are, in ways they may not have ever known.
What level of friendship does it require to show another the beauty that is witnessed in them? How exactly do we express the strange or lovely beauty to another? Is there a back door that we must enter through, to protect the information or insight from being dismissed? Is there a side gate that is less traveled into someone’s soul that is the way to enter with this precious gift? Or is it the random entrance all that is required? I know we are all prompted on different levels, and during different times and hours by the Spirit to share, but I know that often, I personally… have not spoken up on the glimpse I have been given into someone’s true beauty. And the consequence of not sharing? I miss the opportunity to share a hidden in plain sight secret of someone’s soul with them, all from the perspective of the outside looking in. Note to self, look for opportunities to share this life I find in others with them, and be receptive to it if someone unlocks the truths that are hiding inside of my own soul.
I saw this on a fellow stitchers blog… what a beautiful description to keep in mind as I go through deep reflections while stitching… what a picture….
God’s Embroidery
When I was little, my mother used to sew a great deal. I would sit at her knee and look up from the floor and ask what she was doing. She informed me that she was embroidering. As from the underside I watched her work within the boundaries of the little hoop that she held in her hand, I complained to her that it sure looked messy from where I sat. She’d smile at me, look down and gently say, “Son, you go about your playing and when I am finished with my embroidering, I will put you on my knee and let you see it from my side.” I would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from my view.
A few minutes would pass and then I would hear Mother’s voice say, “Son come sit on my knee.” This I did only to be surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower or sunset. I could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy. Then mother would say to me. “My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a plan on the top. It was a design. I was only following it. Now look at it from my side and you will see what I was doing.”
Many times through the years, I have looked up to heaven and said, “Father what are You doing?” He has answered, “I am embroidering your life.” I say, “But it looks like such a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can’t they all be bright?” The Father seems to tell me, “My child, you go about your business of doing My business, and one day I will bring you to Heaven and put you on my knee and you will see the plan from My side.”
Author Unknown
I’m finding myself hugged tightly by God lately… so tightly that I can hear my back popping and its the bear hug itself that announces to you how much you really needed it, yet didn’t realize that you did until you were embraced into it. It’s absolutely amazing. So strong, so complete… it’s the kind that melts away the day (or last couple of years) as if it never occurred, or as if it has no importance in the large scheme of things anyway. What a power and presence to be swallowed up within.
I love my job… I appreciate what it is, and what I am able to do… and I’m really appreciating who I am placed with. Such unique and beautiful people, all of them. Unique God carriers all of them. Everyday is like a treasure hunt or scavenger hunt, and I am getting clues to things I didn’t know I was hungry to know.
Stitching hasn’t been happening too much, other than to make a stocking for my niece and new baby nephew… what a miracle and precious creature. Blessing. Joy. Tangible grace and love. Wish I could see and hold. Will need to get linen to make stockings for my brother and his wife as well…. Wise man… and Angel that they are.
Stitching on Quaker Virtues… have stitched Simplicity all… and had to do some frogging of a border of a top motif that was off by one square. To punish it I have kept it in the bag for a time out, and ignored it all together… I should forgive my poor stitchery and take responsibility for stitching with tired eyes… I shall forgive it tonight and stitch it again while watching Biden and Palin debate. I’m really curious to see how it plays out. Will it be one sided? Will Sarah have better answers than she has for other interviews? Will Biden be mellower? Interesting to say the least. Which presidential candidate do I support you wonder? It’s not as obvious as some would automatically assume.
Well… it’s been a long time since I’ve written… I’m sorry bloggy. I shall not keep so quiet. I’ve been adjusting though this last month…. to this new schedule, to this new adventure, to this partially new part of me that I am walking into. It’s been a bit jarring, and a bit freeing, and a bit scary, and a bit beautiful, all wrapped up into one tapestry. So many colors, so many interesting textures.
I just have to comment and journal to myself that I am seeing so many of God’s unique fingerprints right now… so many things are just too amazing to be coincidence. I am blessed and full of hope.
In applying for employment at our local University, a friend told me “good luck…” and further went on to explain that a number of people apply repeatedly for positions there, yet fail to get them because they are in such high demand, in addition to the large size of the applicant pool. So, not only am I up against many many others, but there is also the factor that several of the others are already current employees at USU, which means that they will be given preference if we are even in our experience/education. This is disheartening to me, but instead of getting mired down by discouragement, I upped my chances by applying to a few more positions… sort of like throwing everything I can at the wall to see what sticks. I thought I’d get an inside look at what exactly the procedure is, and inquired with my adviser from college. He suggested that I simply try to get my foot in the door, with whatever position I could get, and then I can move laterally or upwardly when other avenues open up. He also said that because I am overqualified for the positions that I am applying for, I may not be considered as strongly for the job. Because after all, wouldn’t someone who is overqualified take the position and then be in hot pursuit of a better opportunity? So, I guess if I get an interview I will need to express that I do have longevity, despite being “overqualified.”
And overqualified… that seems to sound like such a funny thing… because obviously I want the job, otherwise I would not apply, and if I want the job, I believe I have the qualifications to do it well. What makes me overqualified you might ask? A Bachelors degree instead of an Associates degree. A rotten piece of paper is all. And, it’s a piece of paper that does not afford me any positions that pays more than the positions I am applying for at the University!
So there you have it. I am going to throw until something sticks. And yes, I know I throw like a girl, but it’s not about how you throw, it’s about the consistency of throwing that counts. And what am I throwing? Me! : )
In all of this I am sure God will surprise me… after all, Moses just wanted to be a shepherd, and God instead said to him that He wanted him to be a mouthpiece for God, a prophet. And Paul… a Jew who would be perfect to speak to the Jews on their level, but instead God sends him to the gentiles. Then there’s Peter, a fisherman and not that educated, who would have be perfectly suited to minister to the gentiles, yet instead, God sent him to minister to the Jews. So what of me? Perhaps I’m throwing all of this at the wall to see what sticks, and instead God’s going to do something totally different. We’ll see… we’ll see. I know that God is a God of abundance, and there is plenty to go around. Perhaps God is going to throw me at a wall and watch if I stick.
What is impossible for people is possible with God.
~ Luke 18:27
Listened to a wonderful message and reminder, by Jeanne Stevens, titled The Long Way Around: Why God Waits. Jeanne’s message goes straight to my heart… reminding us of how our waiting is purposeful, even if our perspective does not always see it as such. She reminds us that God loves waiting, and that we are the ones who struggle with it, and that God sees waiting differently than we do. We see it as an in between place, in between where we are and where we think we want to be… while God on the other hand sees it with the perspective of a transformative place. Jeanne said that God is in the wait. At the end, Jeanne mentioned a quote by author of “When the Heart Waits”, Sue Monk Kidd that was very stirring to me:
Transformations come, only as we go the long way around. Only as we’re willing to walk a different, longer, more arduous, more inward, more prayerful route. When you wait, you’re deliberately choosing to take the long way. To go eight blocks instead of four, trusting that there’s a transforming discovery lying along the way.
A while ago, a friend of mine talked about taking the back roads and how he actually preferred them as they in and of themselves were quite possibly the link to inspiration or a deeper quiet that needed to be inhaled. How often do we realize those opportunities?
Waiting…
waiting…
experiencing what is in the wait…
finding God’s presence and purpose as we struggle with our inability to rest in the wait…
not forcing our own solution, or confine God into a toothpick box…
Just wait…
Can we refocus our eagerness into a wonder? Into a sweet anticipation? The wait is the link to a portion of our hearts transformation. What a great message.
I was listening again to a message by the awesome Shane Hipps, titled “Cats Don’t Bark” …. covering 1 Samuel 18. It is so, so, so worth the listen. It’s on our calling in this world, on our ability to listen to this call, heed it, and live it. Every time we do what we are made to do, we will bless the world most. Are we seeking to become and do the very thing God made us for? The world is waiting for us to be who God made us to be. Just as Tiger Woods picked up a golf club and does what he is made to do, with the tool designed for his gift, we too have something specific that God has equipped us to give, that fits the specific need that the world around us has the ache, longing, and need for. We likely won’t be Tiger, we won’t be Lance Armstrong, we won’t be Bill Gates, but we still have something so unique, so specifically designed for us to give, that if we don’t give it, the world will be less than blessed, because we didn’t give what was specifically ours to give. This message is followed by another message called Stop Depriving Us… which is also so interesting & thought provoking!
So, here is where I’m at with my Quaker Virtues… I’ve got “tegrity” and tonight I will hoop it and stitch the “in” into “integrity” 
I’m moving along. I see one error, but I’m not telling where it is. I couldn’t figure out where I counted wrong, so I left it. It won’t bother me too bad, unless someone spots it and tells me, haha.
My mom is flying in on her broom on Saturday in preparation for my laparoscopy on Tues. I feel so at peace over this and knowing that I won’t have to think about this much longer.
I listened to a really great message yesterday by Brad Nelson called “Redefining Hope” that was so good. This message is only about 35 minutes long, and you could skip the intro. It prompted so much thought in my heart and a deep discussion with God.
I have fretted, and I’m exhausted. Fretting seems a little less organized than worrying to me, kind of like several trains of thought running wayward all at one time at reckless speeds. Fretting is not helpful.
Amazing how just making a decision on something can solve the fretting issue. The decision I have made is to have my cyst removed, and to be free from the thought of it after on the 22nd of July. I won’t have to worry about it every time I sit and feel it, or when I am pushing the lawn mower around the backyard and it’s making itself known in my belly. I won’t have to give it a second thought once it’s gone and out of MY body. I am choosing a doctor who seems experienced and intelligent, and I am going to put faith and trust in him and the divine appointments that have brought this cyst to light, and for the pain that it has caused. Pain is a signal, a warning, and I am going to take heed of this warning and treat it. The doctor will remove it laproscopically, and I’ll be on my merry way enjoying the rest of the summer with quick healing, and eating a Blizzard because my mom will come out to give any help with the kids or home while I recoup for a couple days. It shouldn’t take long at all from what I have read, so I am going to mostly use the time as an excuse to stitch and play with my mom and kids.
I feel relieved knowing that it will be gone, and now I don’t have to fret. Notice: don’t have to. Still could- but don’t have to. Fretting is useless and it gives me a headache and it allows God some chill out time while He watch and waits for me to realize it’s lack of futility, and then He continues to wait until I cast my burdens fully upon Him.
I’m casting now.
I have good stitching days and not so good stitching days. Yesterday on our 2 hr. drive to the funeral I stitched, then I had to frog all that I just put in (about half a motif on QV) because I had started it in the wrong spot, because I stitched an extra bit on the other motif I was counting off of. DOH!
As I stitched, and unstitched yesterday, and a-gain today, I realized that sometimes God has to unstitch things I stitch into my life, because I counted wrong, or went mindlessly where I should have been paying more attention to the details. I also noticed that when my thread becomes tangled, and I have to spend the better part of 5 minutes figuring out how to untangle it so that my needle can move freely, I feel like I connect to God, because He regularly does this for me. I get going too fast or I get caught up in things or in emotions, and time and again, I get stuck. I find myself in a tangle. My needle is not moving freely in life, and I’m motionless waiting for help to arrive. It’s funny to notice that He slows me down, takes His sweet and precious time, and helps me unravel what it was that got me all jumbled up. Usually He doesn’t grow impatient and just cut the tread and start over, but moreso, He sees where the hangup or knot is and He unweaves one strand at a time while I watch.
It’s good to get unraveled and untangled so I can move freely again. I’m present today, seeing where my need for unraveling is, and I’m connecting to a God who knows a thing or two about stitching if you can believe it.
Did you know? Have you ever actually seen a real miracle? I know out of all the things, this seems like the least of these, but our kitten Torpedo… he is a miracle with fur. He is a miracle that purrs.. he is a miracle that demonstrates the gift of love, and the power of love, and the true power that using your God given gifts can and does heal others. The vet who called us on the weekend and offered her time and abilities and care… giving us her heart’s true care and love, brought us healing in every way. She literally brought our hearts a hope that we can touch in this precious kitten. He’s all well… he has no burdened breath, he has an amazing appetite for a creature that is so small, and he has a personality that gives us such joy to witness and interact with.
I cannot explain the several different levels of patience and trust we labored to walk through, as we not only tried to keep a hope alive that something magical was possible, but that we waited in a level of faith that showed us it was ok to hope, and indeed, vital to hope and pray and to be patient with God because His love is beyond the measure of this time and space continuum.
I know people have prayed for miracles and seemingly not recieved them… I myself have been in this position… to pray for healing of someone who is battling to live and survive over cancer that is invading their body. I can’t explain why I would be given so much grace and love as to have this little kitten be healed by the outstretched love of a person who only had themselves to give. But that’s what happend, and I dare only realize that it was a gift, both for my innermost heart, as well as for the hearts of my children who dared to hope. Just as the kitten struggled to breath on the edge of life, we were given the opportunity to demonstrate our hope one breath after another.
Jill Carattini wrote beautifully in today’s Slice of Infinity, ”There is something about suffering and despair that brings us to strain our ears for the voice of God. Where we have written God off as silent, where we have lived with the suspicion of a distant or demanding ruler, there is a compulsion within our pain that forces us to listen. There is an image of Christ who carried the same burden. And it is met with the promise of one who speaks: This sickness will not end in death.”
The vet said that she did not think the kitten would have made it throught the weekend if no action was taken…. I know, I know, this all sounds so simple, it’s just a kitten afterall. To some he may be just that, a 4 1/2 week old kitten who got the medical care he needed and therefore he survived. But to me, to my heart, he is a miracle and a testament to the power of love and sharing our gifts and to the goodness of a God who hears and nothing is too small for Him to touch. Love comes in every color and flavor out there, I believe it has no bounds as to who it can effect and who it can heal. There is no one who cannot give it, and although some have a hard time recieving it, it still touches them just like water touches soil when it rains.
A reminder to myself:
Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ~ Romans 12:12
I still have yet to fully understand God in His mysteries, but today I have a miracle with fur that makes my heart have a deeper knowledge of all things beautiful that just a few days ago I struggled to find the hope to see.
There is a very fine balance that I am just on the edge of. A spacious place is on my one side, and a cliff is right beside it, with a vast deep canyon down below. All I hear is silence on the outside, while the inside of me has a crowd of voices swirling around like a tornado. The Bible says “Perfect love casts out fear…” yet I admit to fear welling up within the vortex of the tornado of voices and gaining in it’s own volume. I’m at a crux. Seeing a little precious life so fragile before my eyes struggle to live. STRUGGLE to LIVE! STRUGGLE TO BREATH! Struggle to CONTINUE. Just one breath after another, as if that is all it can do, as if that is all it wants to do. And here I sit, watching it, and being completely and utterly unable to do anything for it. I can’t hold him because it hurts him. I can’t pet him, because it makes him want to mew, which then takes more of his precious breath that he’s struggling to get. All I can do is just share the room with him and pray and cry, and wonder how to hope.
Wondering how to hope…. it’s as if it’s a struggle, just as the kitten struggles for breath, but continues to take one shallow gasp after another… and so maybe that is what I should do. Just work through the struggle of having one hope after another.
I feel like this moment, this hour, this day is sacred. Like I’m in a bubble where there is something so vital for me to learn and it’s as though it’s on the edge of someplace where I don’t know how to go because I can’t fly and I don’t have a parachute to jump down to see what’s below in the Valley.
What is that quote about better to love than not at all? Love… love… love… hope… hope… hope… breathe… breathe… breathe… monica, just breathe… just one breath after the other… just inhale… exhale… it’s all you can do in this moment… and the moment after that.
hope. feel. live. love. hope………
A good friend reminded me today at the most perfect time of this…
“We can do no great things;
only small things with great love.”
– Mother Theresa
He is Risen… Luke 24.
Amazing and wonderful…
I don’t quite know how to fully articulate this, but there are some things floating around my head that I want to journal out. This is not profound, nor is it complete, it is mearly a glimpse into a train of thought that is atop my mind.
Recently the kids and I saw Horton Hears a Who, about an elephant in the jungle, named Horton, who heard voices coming from a speck as it floated by. He caught the tiny speck on a fuzzy looking clover and he listened, heard, and believed that there indeed was life on this speck, populated by Whos. Horton realized that the safety of the life on this speck rested solely on him, and he was determined to place it securely on the top of Mount Nool. But during his trek and journey, he was faced with great odds and opponents. In the jungle, a mother kangaroo character was set against Horton from the start. She urged Horton that it was all in his mind, on the basis of this logic, “if you can’t see it, if you can’t hear it, or if you can’t feel it, then it’s not real.” This kangaroo character goes so far as to get others to do her dirty work for her, finding a soulless old eagle to fit the bill and try to please her by managing get the fuzzy clover. The eagle is partially successful, but Horton never gives up. He tirelessly keeps his mission in mind, he stays focused on the task at hand, and he continues with his purpose of getting the Whos to safety.
The story concludes with Horton finding himself rejected by several of the animals in his community because he won’t denounce what he hears and give over the clover with the speck on it to be destroyed. The community of the jungle gang up on him (minus a trusty believing few), and they outnumber him and literally force him into a cage where he is powerless. At the last moment, the Whos make enough sound (and the Whos here… what’s happening in their world is a whole other storyline!) to be heard by someone else in the jungle… the kangaroo’s little boy who lives in her pouch. He hears the Whos, and tells everyone to quiet down, and then everyone in the jungle group hears the Whos chanting in unison “We are here, we are here, we are here!”
You cannot believe how I watched this movie drama unfold from this special and sometimes fragile place in my heart, for Horton heard the Who, and despite the fact that he couldn’t see the people on the tiny speck, or feel the people on the tiny speck… he knew what he heard, and what he continued to hear, and he just believed. He didn’t change his mind when things got difficult, he did not ask for the Whos to prove that they were real, he just believed what he heard. I was filled with joy when Horton pursued what he set out to do… his mission, and in the end rescue these precious lives.
Today… there was an awesome Slice of Infinity (to follow below). Very stirring picture she revealed… it certainly does turn my heart reflection in both directions, in and out. Many times I have paused on Jesus’ disciple Thomas and identified with him… my faith (or lack of) in certain seasons has literally prompted me to ask Jesus for a tangible feel of His hands to see if I could indeed touch holes that are noted to be there. I’ve spent many prayerful nights with the desire to be heeded and encouraged by Jesus to be faithless no longer, just as He shepherded Thomas.
Yesterday I saw the most interesting thing… a bunny rabbit crossing Logan’s Main Street down by 3oo South. I first spotted the bunny as I waited for my green left arrow, and the bunny was on the green strip on the side of Main Street facing me, and I thought that certainly that it was not real. But when it moved, I realized that in fact it was quite real indeed, then alarm got ahold of me… the bunny was on the side of Main Street! A five lane road, with two traveling lanes in each direction, a turning lane in the center, and nice shoulders for improved traffic flow! My next thought was “Does anyone else see this bunny?” And as I looked around at the other cars who were waiting or going, no one seemed to notice the bunny.
My next thought was fear as I realized where the bunny intended to go. ACROSS THE STREET! “No Bunny!” I screamed in my head! But it ignored the pleas of my mind and darted out into the street, fully intent on reaching the other side. “Why does the bunny want to cross the road?” I puzzled, waiting for a punchline that would not end in certain death. But there the bunny went, hopping as fast as his hind feet could move…. it was like watching the old video game ‘Frogger’ as this little hopper crossed traffic. Cars zooming, totally oblivious to it’s mission, after all, they probably couldn’t see him very well, his colors made him nearly disappear into the color of the dirty road.
He hopped and hopped, fast as he could, and I dare say I could see this look of panic on his face. He was almost there, then a blue car came buzzing along not giving a hoot of this hare, and the bunny zigged on a dime and zagged the other direction for a millisecond while the car mowed past, and after it was clear, the bunny made it to the other side. This whole time you should have heard my screams from the inside of the car, both of my arms were stretched out in a frantic maneuver to wave the bunny clear, or at least to alert other passerby to this fragile situation. The truck behind me must have noticed, because they too were looking intently on Mr. Bunny as he reached for a moment a sitting point on the green strip of our side of the road.
Why did the Bunny cross the road? Cross 5 lanes of traffic? Dare to leap out in front of speeding cars? Why did he just sit and pause when he got to the other side? Read the rest of this entry »
I recently finished this piece, called “She Gathers”, pattern by 4 My Boys… it was amazingly quick. I really love this linen, 30 ct. Flax Fields… so soft and easy to work with and hold. I worked on this while still working on the Emmanuel’s Song… some days I just needed a break, usually when it came time for me to start a words row worked over one strand… haha.
As I stitched it, I pondered what being a Proverbial wife meant, as mentioned in Proverbs 31. I have dwelled on it from time to time… back then, it really would be quite extra-ordinary. I have also contemplated the question of what it would translate to today, in our culture? Curious it leaves me, to say the least.
Regardless, there are verses that stand out to me as things that I either display or that God is growing in me the ability to give. But honestly, Read the rest of this entry »
The Christmas season is upon is… with it’s visit comes pressure. I feel the weight of so much right now…
Did Mary feel the heaviness too? The culmination of so many expecations and unknowns… just pressing in on her? I imagine her in the night when I wake up between little catnaps resulting from my unrest… I wonder if she awoke a lot during the night, reminded of the weight upon her with the Savior in her womb. She had a tangible weight… while mine is nearly invisable to the untrained eye.
It’s still there, regardless… and I can feel it.
My eyes are searching for joy…
busy searching and searching…
and finding bits of it hidden away here or there…
and yet many things threaten to rise up and gobble me whole.
WHOLE I tell you…
totally in one gulp, without chewing.
Messy thoughts in my mind today… so much clutter and caca swirling around. It seems I sometimes find myself in a battle to just find how to access and live out the fruit of the Spirit…love
joy
peace
patience
kindness
goodness
gentleness
self-control
joy
peace
patience
kindness
goodness
gentleness
self-control
it’s a beautiful list, and definitely something I desire to have in abundance… but in this miniscule part of today, I just sense I’m not quite tapping into the full potential. These very things, the fruit of the Spirit, are weapons to dispel their opposite counterparts… so in reality their impact is huge and limitless! But why is it then, that I have days in which accessing them seems nearly impossible. I realize I’m promised that nothing shall be impossible if I have faith the size of a mustard seed? Where are all my mustard seeds today? Where is even one mustard seed?
I know there here somewhere in my heart… I’ve run my hands through them before, and even held one between my thumb and index finger and closely examined it… yet right now, I find that some of my fruit, namely peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control are hard to realize the presence of.
A single mustard seed grew into this
just amazing. About the only fruit I can touch today is love… I feel like it’s the only one I possess… as for the others, I feel quite poor in Spirit. Is it really true that when I am weak, then I am strong? I don’t feel strength, only an echo of where it and peace could be… in my heart right now I feel the bones in my knees against the floor as I seek out God in this.
I think I might go dive into the spice cabinet and dig out a mustard seed and carry it around in my pocket…
++God… I’m hoping you have something to share with me today… thank you for searching me, even though it seems to hurt… turn on your Light within me and reveal Your glory and will. I fear not bearing my weaknesses, for I know I can cling to You. Use my weakness and lack to bring forth that you are the I AM.++
Being in the present is something I’ve been working on as of late. I find I’m regularly asking myself “Am I in the here and now?” and depending on the answer, I usually have to shift some priorities and retrain my thoughts so that I am. I have missed some things over the last few years, because I am off somewhere else in my mind. When I’m with my children, I sometimes am a world away in my mind… I’m off on a journey inside my heart digging with a spade to see what’s under this layer, or I’m trying to wade through the fog that has settled on this other expanse of my heart, WHILE I’m trying to be a mom… doing the mom things, making lunch, listening to their stories, and WHILE I’m answering their questions about life. How can I be somewhere else, WHILE I’m being asked to be present? Why the distance between the here and now, to the place that I can get lost in (my thoughts). Being present is a truely awe inspiring thing… as I learn to do it more and more, I find myself awaken to my senses being more stimulated than I realized was possible. The birds chirp louder, the kids laugh is more infectious, and the sting of saddness for what I’ve lost to the times I’ve failed to be in the here and now, more painful.
Interesting it is…
the here and now…
in today…
if I journey away from it and into somewhere else and into the caverns of my mind and heart… I sense I’m missing so much of what God is revealing to me.
I wonder if I don’t have to really dig to figure stuff out, but that the more I am present in the here and now, in the present reality, then, THEN, the figuring out of stuff with just unfold in it’s own sweet time.
Here and now…
here and now…
I’m in the here and now…
How do you see? How is your vision? 20/20? Less? More?? And hindsight? How about that? Even in retrospect our vision can be measured can’t it? I’m sitting with something kneading in my heart…
Do I see micro? Or do I see macro? Or do I fluctuate in between the vast range between the two? Many times I can see what others see… some view too macro… too large and grand, and they miss the little details right at the tip of their nose. While others, see things too closely and miss all that is in the larger picture before the lens finder. What puzzles me, is that I can see [read: make a perception] of what I think others can see… either micro or macro… yet I can’t quite tell how I see.
Of course I’d like to say that I miss nothing… but we all know the fallacy in that. You don’t know what you’ve missed in the micro view or macro until you reflect on it with your hindsight. And even then, is your hindsight 20/20? Or is it still dependant on your lens? Do we take in every detail from the moving picture before us? Is it even possible?
++I wish Lord to let you be the lens and filter through which I see others and the world. I pray for the vision, clarity, and scope through which You’re eyes are trained to. I want to see in each problem and each occasion, with eyes of discernment and crispness. Sharpen my depth of perception, sharpen my ability to see the composition that You place in each frame. Draw my eyes in every given moment… take my vision and make it like Your own. Enable the shutter of my eyes to respond to aperture in which you set. Allow my focus to not be blurred, or Lord, blurred in only the ways in which serve You. Lend me Your vision Lord… show me where Jesus is living all around me… in others, through others, and for others. Sharpen my senses and my perceptions, surround me and engulf me with all that You are…++
Heaven on earth… is so totally HERE. It’s really all around me and helping to keep my shoulders back and my head up. Isn’t it funny that truly at times your perspective can be such that you don’t look for it? Or, maybe you look for it, but you don’t attribute that it is what it is. It’s a powerful stance really, to glance about and search the landscape of your life, as it moves through one minute to the next… and see where heaven is all around you. It’s in others, in the laughs, in motives, in movements, in connection, in hearts that reach out to others in anguish or torment. It’s really all around… living… breathing… walking… touching… His hands, His feet, are amongst us, and bringing the reality of heaven to earth.
I’m breathing in heaven… it smells like today and today is ours, while tomorrow is promised to no one. Today… I am trying to be present in the heaven on earth.
A friend of mine told me a while back that God not only wants my heart, but that He gives me the freedom to dream with Him. I asked “like what?” and with a chuckle my friend said there is no limit. The reason for this is that when He gave us a new heart and made us a new creation in Him, He enacted freedom within us. Part of freedom is that we are able to release everyday masks that we wear, released to pursue pleasure (not in the perverted sense, but pleasure and freedom to live new in Him). We are free indeed to live life more abundantly! In dreaming with God, we have the opportunity to see ourselves as God sees us! God’s desire for our heart is to live overwhelmed everyday, and our heart is where our flame is and also where our dreams are!
So… what do I dream about? I dream a lot about my husband and kids knowing in their heart that they are treasures to God…. and to have that be their first thought when they wake up, and the last thought on their mind before they fall asleep. I dream about living more actively for Christ, walking more boldly and telling others about His awesome love for them and how they are more than treasures to Him!!! I dream of going to massage therapy school and having a career to sooth the aches and pains of others, while I also see myself in my heart praying for that person in tandem to massage. I dream of hearing and recognizing His voice and heart speaking to me, and being able to distribute that as living water like He first intended. I dream… I dream… I dream…… so many things that I don’t even have the words to describe the feelings that catapult to life.
My friend’s words echo in my heart, “when you dream with God, things around you take their rightful place, at the feet of God and you change your focus on God’s Kingdom with pillars of overwhelming love.”
Dare yourself to dream WITH God. What does it do to you?
Deeper ties to the body of Christ have become a reoccuring thought for me lately. So far, I think I’ve just been putting my feet in the water, instead of really getting wet and trying to swim. A while ago, God introduced me to a thought to consider, and it has resurfaced in more thoughts and discussions, which I’ve had with others in the last week. It’s one thing to be involved in activities at church, after all, I’m a Cubbie leader for Awanas, I head the prayer chain, I do some office things at church, and I also go to a Sunday school class… but those aren’t really revealing the deeper parts of me, on a day in day out basis.
What about deeper relationships? What about accountability? Accountability is a word that when I hear, I find myself raising my eyebrows and widening my eyes with shock, in a way that expresses the thought “ARE YOU CRAZY?!? TOTALLY INSANE???” When I hear it and look at it, it has vulnerability written all over it, and that really clashes with my sense of self-sufficiency.
But… God, good ol’ God, says “…so in Christ, we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” Rom. 12:5. What kind of insane idea is this? I am not supposed to stand independant of the others???? Are you sure? *this can’t be right* Why is it that I’ve grown up feeling the opposite? The feelings that I have stuffed into the recesses of my heart for self protection should not have been stuffed there??? We are supposed to share our joys and griefs, and let everyone either rejoice in the joy, or suffer with us in our grief. Interdependancy.
I need to get it in my head that accountability is not confrontation and judging. I need to see it as a tool that God has designed for me to have someone who will support, counsel, understand, encourage, and edify me, as well as warn or challenge me along the way. Someone to come clean to besides God….
I know I withhold more than a lot from my blog, and myself through rationalizing. But you can’t do that with a real person in front of you, who has favor and a purpose to speak into your life. God is way bringing me deeper into a place to approach this… and over time, my fear is lessening, but I’m still confused as to how to approach someone to begin a relationship like this. Prereqs? Requirements? Confidentiality agreements? LOL! A friend shared some suggestions with me, to: be patient, be deliberate, be vulnerable, be real and go beneath the surface, be willing, and be teachable. I know the real reason to focus on a relationship like this is for my growth, directed by the Holy Spirit. It’s just scary.
It really blows my mind when God confirms things, even if they are just mere thoughts journaled out on paper. I was in my Sunday school class, “Walking in the Spirit,” and today we were doing part in our book and part in a tape series by James MacDonald, who just rocks (what would it be like to be in his congregation every Sunday?). Anyway, before we start, we always have some time for individual quiet prayer, then group prayer. In my silent prayer, I specifically asked God to speak loudly to me today, because I’ve been having a lot of questions around the issue of recieving being a new creature in Him (2 Cor. 5:17-21). While I have been asking these questions I think I’ve been elsewhere when He’s been answering, or… He has waited until now to answer. I asked to hear undeniably from Him.
So, after we started, we talked a little bit then started the tape, and on it, I was literally being blown away with MacDonald describing an anology that was almost identical to what I had written in my notebook back on September 14th. Hearing it made my heart start pounding after the initial shock that it sounded like something I’d thought of, then I flipped over in my notebook while still listening, and read what I wrote, and my jaw dropped, as I saw what I wrote and compared it to what I was hearing. It just blows me away how and when God works like that….. I have a lot to go over with Him in prayer and in processing what I heard today, what I had written, along with some Scripture references that I hadn’t reflected on yet.
+++Rock my world God, twist my current head and heart knowledge into a new shape, transform it into a more efficient, usable, and fresh translation of my new heart alligned to Your own. I desire to recieve fully and live fully the Spirit and gifts you have gifted me with. Lord, take me for a ride at 120 mph where I literally feel like my cheeks will be frozen in a smile from excitment and astonishment. Take my self, as I continually discover how to die to it, in order that I can live daily anew and alive only with Christ in me. Thank You Lord, in Christ’s precious and holy name, Amen.+++
