After work tonight I felt like when I walked out of my building into my freedom, there was a sunset painted just for me. From the look of the other people going to and fro on campus, I was the only one who could see what was lighting up the evening sky to welcome the fall of darkness.

It was as if someone shred pink and purple iridescent ribbon slices across the sky with razor blades. They were only there for the briefest of moments, and I got to take hold of it, as if it was a welcome sign that this was what the whole day was leading up to. All the scurrying to get the kids ready for school in the morning, for me driving to work in the super cold weather and through the snow driving, through the working all day inside an office where I don’t know if I’m meant to be…

all of that…
all of that…
was what lead up to this moment of a sunset that seemed to be painted just for me.

and the reality came to me that I may not have noticed it if all the day hadn’t have happened as it did.

working eight ours, to walk out of the building into my freedom…
I stepped into a painting where colorful ribbons sliced across the sky for the smallest of moments, iridescence, highlighting the end of my day, and opening the door for the rest of the evening.

I was sitting at the table tonight with my family and we were laughing and smiling so huge that it felt like heaven opened up and swallowed us into it’s embrace. I immediately felt my eyes fill with tears and my throat tighten as it dawned on me the significance of this moment and the impact that it was making on my heart. Thankfulness for my husband, his smile, his heart. Thankfulness for my kids, their laugh, their unique sense of humor. And thankfulness for my place in this family, my role of mom, wife, and friend… the thankfulness overwhelmed me to the core. The truth that this moment would fade away all to soon was not lost on me, for even now reflecting on it and trying to find words to tell of it, seem to diminish its heart affect. I am so deeply thankful and so deeply grateful, that mere words cannot express…. but if I were to try to describe it… if I could pull the words together into some order, it would be:

Love love love came swirling around me today like a soft whisper wind, and joy laughed at my cheeks and echoed in my ears that my spirit had to try to grasp the tail of this helium balloon moment that was floating and dancing away and taking my heart up with it into it’s fruition in a chorus of a song in loud Braille with a melody full of effortless love that was imprinting itself inside my heart.

Today and yesterday I’ve been able to be a stay at home mom, literally. Adair hasn’t felt well enough to go to school, she’s tired and has some aches, and she’s congested, but most of all, she’s just tired. I’ve been reading up on the H1N1 and wondering if she has that or some other type of random virus. Interesting reading it was though, let me tell you. I learned there is a class of individuals that is known by the community of immunologists as the “superspreaders” and surprise surprise, school aged children are in that group, along with their well meaning parents or guardians. Superspreaders, sounds generous doesn’t it? Not so much if it’s talking about viruses. Another term I learned was about your “herd immunity”, which is where if the elementary school does a school-wide vaccination for all the children, then we as adults even if we haven’t been immunized would receive benefit because of us residing in the same herd as those who did get the vaccination. Interesting isn’t it? Another new thing I learned is that there is a whole subset of people who in their spare time are “flu trackers” and they study the immunology, and waves of illness. Isn’t that interesting? Did you know that the illnesses come in waves? H1N1 has. Wave 1 occurred early last spring, and we are now joyfully entering Wave 2. Fun! I hope I don’t catch the wave, I’m really not that much of a surfer.

Anyway, today there was snow, and my little girl is resting. I’m on the computer logging the moment into record so that we all know it occurred. Tuesday. Girl. Sick. Snow. Home. Love. It’s all there for you, just not necessarily in that order.

I’m home… where I feel like I was meant to be. Tomorrow though, I’ll find the courage to return to work, knowing at least that it means if I do, that my little girl feels all better.

What to do with the cacophony of emotions that come about when someone you love is nearing the end of their life? It doesn’t seem to matter to my heart that this person I love has had a long and wonderfully rich life, filled to the brim with experiences, of which I was able to share some of. It doesn’t matter that this person I love lives hundreds of miles away and the last time I saw them was three or four years ago. The doesn’t matters don’t matter, my heart feels raw and the inner depths of me feel like it’s going to implode on itself with the rest of me to follow into the smallest black hole abyss on the inside that I didn’t realize had the power to suck me under and in.

Maybe the impending death of a life so richly lived is a reminder to the lack of permanence we all have. Or it is a window to unresolved grief for others that I have lost, or those I am afraid to lose in the future.

It is bittersweet and I navigate a path and tension between one part of me that celebrates a life well lived and another part mourns what this significant loss means to me and all those involved.

I know I will go on. I know all others involved will go on. I know I am better for having loved this person. I know that a legacy has been set into motion that will always live even when they are no longer here.

But right now, before this person dies, I want to voice that I’m going to miss them, and dare say I already do. I want to say I’m sorry their end is near and will come. I want to say that I am with them even though I’m hundreds of miles away. I want to say thank you for all that you have poured into my life. I want to say that I recognize that you encouraged and supported me, and that I am forever grateful for it. I want to say so much more but I can’t because I’m imploding, and this imploding hurts.

I don’t want comments…
I don’t want “I understands”…
I don’t want platitudes…
I don’t want you to tell me later that you read this post…

I’m putting this here for me…

I’m scribbling this out to describe what I’m wrestling with…

I just want to write this moment out for my mind, my peace, my presence and my heart….

as if it will help the implosion go somewhere instead of the inner inside and away with a force that could sweep the rest of me with it.

It has been a while since I’ve posted my little bloggy. So much and so little have been going on… I just haven’t had the energy to think coherent thoughts for a blog post.

Yesterday was Easter… a true celebration of Life triumphing over death. Interesting how Easter sits right at the entrance of Spring, where life is erupting out of winter’s hold. I jumped on the trampoline with the kids and laughed as my hair got so staticky and as my kids were looking like they were weightless.

A friend mentioned something to me that got my mind and heart moving… and it prompts this thought of how do you show someone the uniqueness that you see in them? Not the vision on the surface of things, but more the them that lies hidden, yet visible just underneath. How do you reflect that of what you see back to them? And, what is the surface of the very mirror you us composed of? How do you express the beauty that is hidden in plain sight within them, so that they see their value, their worth, in such a way that they too are offered a glimpse of their purpose? This beauty is subjective I know… but the value lies within all of us, and the value itself is perceived in different ways to different people who possess different needs.

How do you show a mirror’s reflection back at someone? How do you show someone how beautiful they are, and what that beauty looks like to you?

There is a U2 song on the new album “No Line on the Horizon” and in the song is titled “Get On Your Boots,” where a lyric sings,

“You don’t know how beautiful you are..
you don’t know, you don’t get it do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are…”

The truth of this lyric resonate truth… because sometimes we don’t know how to see beauty in ourselves, because we suffer from a condition where we see ourselves everyday, we hear our own inner dialog everyday, and we see all of us everyday, and from a very tight and confining space that is the inside.  Have you ever felt the cramped space on the inside where you can nearly find yourselves suffocating from the weight of yourself pressing inward?  You almost can’t help but to notice the self on the inside if you are being honest… what we could observe are the negatives, the flaws, the areas of deficiency, the areas where we know need improvement. And to add to that, we can’t honestly see the depth of true beauty because what others see is reflective of their heart, their vision, and their unique perspective…. so I wonder how surprising we would find what others find beautiful in us? Would it be what we see, or would it be something that would have never occurred to us? I’m confident that it is the latter.

When we can see the beauty in others, and somehow capture it and send the reflection of it back to them, imagine how freeing that could be?  Think of the awareness that could increase an individual’s vision of them self. Not for a vanity, but for a true view of them to seeing the God carrier that they are, in ways they may not have ever known.

What level of friendship does it require to show another the beauty that is witnessed in them? How exactly do we express the strange or lovely beauty to another? Is there a back door that we must enter through, to protect the information or insight from being dismissed? Is there a side gate that is less traveled into someone’s soul that is the way to enter with this precious gift? Or is it the random entrance all that is required? I know we are all prompted on different levels, and during different times and hours by the Spirit to share, but I know that often, I personally… have not spoken up on the glimpse I have been given into someone’s true beauty. And the consequence of not sharing?  I miss the opportunity to share a hidden in plain sight secret of someone’s soul with them, all from the perspective of the outside looking in. Note to self, look for opportunities to share this life I find in others with them, and be receptive to it if someone unlocks the truths that are hiding inside of my own soul.

I haven’t voiced my two cents yet about this recent and historical presidential election.  I am amazed at the outcome and I am totally excited.  I supported Obama and Biden, and while many upon many around me did not, and made that clear to me in their own way… I did.  I do.  And I will.  I am excited for the millions upon millions of people who were inspired by HOPE.  Various people had different reasons as to why they either did or did not, and I have several reasons why I did support him, instead of McCain.  I won’t go into that here, but rest assured, I thought about it quite extensively, as well as prayed  about it.  Some of my friends have strong feelings against Obama, but I do not share their views.  And likewise, some friends seemed to have strong feelings towards McCain/Palin, but I did not share their views.  I saw many perspectives, and realized there were many ways to view the options and that it depended on what lenses you wanted to see with.   My brother said it well in that, “there are plusses and minusses with all things… that definately applies to this presidential election, no matter who one is choosing.” The outcome is exciting… the opportunities are vast, and Obama is on a large stage with a huge responsibility to meet.

Anyway, in the words of Forrest Gump, that is all I have to say about that.

On other fronts… the cleaning was a success.  I filled the trunk of my car, and my kids went through their toys, and we happily drove to the thrift store and donated a ton of things.  I am delighted, and lightened.  A wise and wonderful friend emailed me tonight with some great insights over how to peer into the thoughts of our stuff and to dismantle them.  Thank you for your note Jan.  Full of heart and perspective.

I believe it has to become a lifestyle of sorts… I have to reach a point where daily I am living this way, of not putting of the small decisions until a later time… in favor of tackling things as they come.  I don’t need to keep every card my dear uncle writes me… I don’t need to keep every drawing and homework item the kids have done since they picked up their pen.  If anything, this procrastination of making a decision somehow makes the drawings themselves be what I get burdened by… and I definitely do not want that!  My precious babies would not want that.

Learning as I go… day by day.  Exploring the parts of me that make me me, an deconstructing the things that do not serve me or my family with the desire to discard them… to set them free… to let them hatch into something of their own, on their own, without me being a part of them.  Yes… this is what I seek.  Fly, be free my weights… thank you for trying to teach me, albiet the hard way… I’m sure I will need to relearn this lesson, but let us hope that this is lasting.

The shift off of daylight savings is always an adjustment for me. I feel like I”m running late, even though the clock says its the time its supposed to. Then in the evening, it’s dark before I’m ready for it to be, and its as though the day vanished while I had my head buried in my projects.

yawn…..

On the way I walk into my work every morning, I a pass by a building whose side is covered in a carpet of ivy.  In the morning, this ivy is alive with the song of birds who are busily planning their morning activities.  Occasionally you can see a bird fly out of the ivy on it’s way to errands or wherever it goes… and all the while, the whole three story brick wall blanketed with vegetation is alive with sound.  It’s the most beautiful thing and the most lovely sound… when I hear it I cannot help but to have my face explode into a smile and my heart fill with amazement over how such a small thing, can seem like it makes the whole day FULL, even though I’ve only been awake for a few hours.  This one little thing, is a moment in and of itself, that makes the whole day worth getting up for.  Add this unique moment to all the other beautiful moments that fill my day, and I am so rich beyond measure for having experienced them.  Alec’s ever alive energy.  Adair’s special sensitivity.  Michael’s steadfast love.  And a wall, alive with singing.

Are there parts of me that are just as alive to the person walking by?  Are the walls of my exterior able to hold and sustain and support a vine in which life that can make it’s home in?  Are my walls singing and lighting up the face of the passerby because of the song that is coming out?

With Christ, all things are possible.

I have thoughts to capture, if I could just see them out of the corner of my eye as they pass like that scratch that seems illusive on my eyeball itself.  Ever had that?  Ever tried to zero in and focus solely on it, but even as you do, it scoots just left of where you can see it and all you end up seeing is its tail?

I feel just like that today… the thoughts that I would love to write about seem to be passing and all I can see is the tail of where they just where…. a faint whisper that they went by already and I couldn’t capture them.  I know I do that with God too… I see a lot of where He just was, I’m too consumed to have my head buried in the cleft of the rock, that by the time I look up to glance about, He’s already passed by…. yet the truth holds that even where He just was lights up my face in a way that others can witness the illumination.

Let me pause a moment and think of where I have seen where God just was…
…In the tail of Adair’s giggle over the word “fluffy” that is written over and over again on a shirt for her, along with the colors of the rainbow spelled out as they show the color themselves…
…In the sunset that I saw hugging onto what was left of the day, waiting, just waiting for me to see it as I glanced out my kitchen window while deep in thought…
…In the wise eyes and heart of the woman I work with, who shared a banana squash with me that was delicious…
…In the way my husband asked me “how was your day?” in the most loving and inviting way, which even if it were the only thing he said to me all day, it would have been enough to feel loved an entire lifetime…

Those are tails of places I know God just was… and it’s not until now that I find them… after the moment has already passed.

I’m so blessed to have been able to just now reach up and grab the tails of those kite string moments… I shall hang onto them as they swim out of view into the expanse of space, and I will let them transport me through the great economy of love, grace and peace that they offered… while not expecting anything in return, other than for me to simply witness and revel in the truth in them.

This is a glimpse into my story today…