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I was sitting at the table tonight with my family and we were laughing and smiling so huge that it felt like heaven opened up and swallowed us into it’s embrace. I immediately felt my eyes fill with tears and my throat tighten as it dawned on me the significance of this moment and the impact that it was making on my heart. Thankfulness for my husband, his smile, his heart. Thankfulness for my kids, their laugh, their unique sense of humor. And thankfulness for my place in this family, my role of mom, wife, and friend… the thankfulness overwhelmed me to the core. The truth that this moment would fade away all to soon was not lost on me, for even now reflecting on it and trying to find words to tell of it, seem to diminish its heart affect. I am so deeply thankful and so deeply grateful, that mere words cannot express…. but if I were to try to describe it… if I could pull the words together into some order, it would be:
Love love love came swirling around me today like a soft whisper wind, and joy laughed at my cheeks and echoed in my ears that my spirit had to try to grasp the tail of this helium balloon moment that was floating and dancing away and taking my heart up with it into it’s fruition in a chorus of a song in loud Braille with a melody full of effortless love that was imprinting itself inside my heart.
Today and yesterday I’ve been able to be a stay at home mom, literally. Adair hasn’t felt well enough to go to school, she’s tired and has some aches, and she’s congested, but most of all, she’s just tired. I’ve been reading up on the H1N1 and wondering if she has that or some other type of random virus. Interesting reading it was though, let me tell you. I learned there is a class of individuals that is known by the community of immunologists as the “superspreaders” and surprise surprise, school aged children are in that group, along with their well meaning parents or guardians. Superspreaders, sounds generous doesn’t it? Not so much if it’s talking about viruses. Another term I learned was about your “herd immunity”, which is where if the elementary school does a school-wide vaccination for all the children, then we as adults even if we haven’t been immunized would receive benefit because of us residing in the same herd as those who did get the vaccination. Interesting isn’t it? Another new thing I learned is that there is a whole subset of people who in their spare time are “flu trackers” and they study the immunology, and waves of illness. Isn’t that interesting? Did you know that the illnesses come in waves? H1N1 has. Wave 1 occurred early last spring, and we are now joyfully entering Wave 2. Fun! I hope I don’t catch the wave, I’m really not that much of a surfer.
Anyway, today there was snow, and my little girl is resting. I’m on the computer logging the moment into record so that we all know it occurred. Tuesday. Girl. Sick. Snow. Home. Love. It’s all there for you, just not necessarily in that order.
I’m home… where I feel like I was meant to be. Tomorrow though, I’ll find the courage to return to work, knowing at least that it means if I do, that my little girl feels all better.
What to do with the cacophony of emotions that come about when someone you love is nearing the end of their life? It doesn’t seem to matter to my heart that this person I love has had a long and wonderfully rich life, filled to the brim with experiences, of which I was able to share some of. It doesn’t matter that this person I love lives hundreds of miles away and the last time I saw them was three or four years ago. The doesn’t matters don’t matter, my heart feels raw and the inner depths of me feel like it’s going to implode on itself with the rest of me to follow into the smallest black hole abyss on the inside that I didn’t realize had the power to suck me under and in.
Maybe the impending death of a life so richly lived is a reminder to the lack of permanence we all have. Or it is a window to unresolved grief for others that I have lost, or those I am afraid to lose in the future.
It is bittersweet and I navigate a path and tension between one part of me that celebrates a life well lived and another part mourns what this significant loss means to me and all those involved.
I know I will go on. I know all others involved will go on. I know I am better for having loved this person. I know that a legacy has been set into motion that will always live even when they are no longer here.
But right now, before this person dies, I want to voice that I’m going to miss them, and dare say I already do. I want to say I’m sorry their end is near and will come. I want to say that I am with them even though I’m hundreds of miles away. I want to say thank you for all that you have poured into my life. I want to say that I recognize that you encouraged and supported me, and that I am forever grateful for it. I want to say so much more but I can’t because I’m imploding, and this imploding hurts.
I don’t want comments…
I don’t want “I understands”…
I don’t want platitudes…
I don’t want you to tell me later that you read this post…
I’m putting this here for me…
I’m scribbling this out to describe what I’m wrestling with…
I just want to write this moment out for my mind, my peace, my presence and my heart….
as if it will help the implosion go somewhere instead of the inner inside and away with a force that could sweep the rest of me with it.
It has been a while since I’ve posted my little bloggy. So much and so little have been going on… I just haven’t had the energy to think coherent thoughts for a blog post.
Yesterday was Easter… a true celebration of Life triumphing over death. Interesting how Easter sits right at the entrance of Spring, where life is erupting out of winter’s hold. I jumped on the trampoline with the kids and laughed as my hair got so staticky and as my kids were looking like they were weightless.
A friend mentioned something to me that got my mind and heart moving… and it prompts this thought of how do you show someone the uniqueness that you see in them? Not the vision on the surface of things, but more the them that lies hidden, yet visible just underneath. How do you reflect that of what you see back to them? And, what is the surface of the very mirror you us composed of? How do you express the beauty that is hidden in plain sight within them, so that they see their value, their worth, in such a way that they too are offered a glimpse of their purpose? This beauty is subjective I know… but the value lies within all of us, and the value itself is perceived in different ways to different people who possess different needs.
How do you show a mirror’s reflection back at someone? How do you show someone how beautiful they are, and what that beauty looks like to you?
There is a U2 song on the new album “No Line on the Horizon” and in the song is titled “Get On Your Boots,” where a lyric sings,
“You don’t know how beautiful you are..
you don’t know, you don’t get it do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are…”
The truth of this lyric resonate truth… because sometimes we don’t know how to see beauty in ourselves, because we suffer from a condition where we see ourselves everyday, we hear our own inner dialog everyday, and we see all of us everyday, and from a very tight and confining space that is the inside. Have you ever felt the cramped space on the inside where you can nearly find yourselves suffocating from the weight of yourself pressing inward? You almost can’t help but to notice the self on the inside if you are being honest… what we could observe are the negatives, the flaws, the areas of deficiency, the areas where we know need improvement. And to add to that, we can’t honestly see the depth of true beauty because what others see is reflective of their heart, their vision, and their unique perspective…. so I wonder how surprising we would find what others find beautiful in us? Would it be what we see, or would it be something that would have never occurred to us? I’m confident that it is the latter.
When we can see the beauty in others, and somehow capture it and send the reflection of it back to them, imagine how freeing that could be? Think of the awareness that could increase an individual’s vision of them self. Not for a vanity, but for a true view of them to seeing the God carrier that they are, in ways they may not have ever known.
What level of friendship does it require to show another the beauty that is witnessed in them? How exactly do we express the strange or lovely beauty to another? Is there a back door that we must enter through, to protect the information or insight from being dismissed? Is there a side gate that is less traveled into someone’s soul that is the way to enter with this precious gift? Or is it the random entrance all that is required? I know we are all prompted on different levels, and during different times and hours by the Spirit to share, but I know that often, I personally… have not spoken up on the glimpse I have been given into someone’s true beauty. And the consequence of not sharing? I miss the opportunity to share a hidden in plain sight secret of someone’s soul with them, all from the perspective of the outside looking in. Note to self, look for opportunities to share this life I find in others with them, and be receptive to it if someone unlocks the truths that are hiding inside of my own soul.
I haven’t voiced my two cents yet about this recent and historical presidential election. I am amazed at the outcome and I am totally excited. I supported Obama and Biden, and while many upon many around me did not, and made that clear to me in their own way… I did. I do. And I will. I am excited for the millions upon millions of people who were inspired by HOPE. Various people had different reasons as to why they either did or did not, and I have several reasons why I did support him, instead of McCain. I won’t go into that here, but rest assured, I thought about it quite extensively, as well as prayed about it. Some of my friends have strong feelings against Obama, but I do not share their views. And likewise, some friends seemed to have strong feelings towards McCain/Palin, but I did not share their views. I saw many perspectives, and realized there were many ways to view the options and that it depended on what lenses you wanted to see with. My brother said it well in that, “there are plusses and minusses with all things… that definately applies to this presidential election, no matter who one is choosing.” The outcome is exciting… the opportunities are vast, and Obama is on a large stage with a huge responsibility to meet.
Anyway, in the words of Forrest Gump, that is all I have to say about that.
On other fronts… the cleaning was a success. I filled the trunk of my car, and my kids went through their toys, and we happily drove to the thrift store and donated a ton of things. I am delighted, and lightened. A wise and wonderful friend emailed me tonight with some great insights over how to peer into the thoughts of our stuff and to dismantle them. Thank you for your note Jan. Full of heart and perspective.
I believe it has to become a lifestyle of sorts… I have to reach a point where daily I am living this way, of not putting of the small decisions until a later time… in favor of tackling things as they come. I don’t need to keep every card my dear uncle writes me… I don’t need to keep every drawing and homework item the kids have done since they picked up their pen. If anything, this procrastination of making a decision somehow makes the drawings themselves be what I get burdened by… and I definitely do not want that! My precious babies would not want that. 
Learning as I go… day by day. Exploring the parts of me that make me me, an deconstructing the things that do not serve me or my family with the desire to discard them… to set them free… to let them hatch into something of their own, on their own, without me being a part of them. Yes… this is what I seek. Fly, be free my weights… thank you for trying to teach me, albiet the hard way… I’m sure I will need to relearn this lesson, but let us hope that this is lasting.
The shift off of daylight savings is always an adjustment for me. I feel like I”m running late, even though the clock says its the time its supposed to. Then in the evening, it’s dark before I’m ready for it to be, and its as though the day vanished while I had my head buried in my projects.
yawn…..
On the way I walk into my work every morning, I a pass by a building whose side is covered in a carpet of ivy. In the morning, this ivy is alive with the song of birds who are busily planning their morning activities. Occasionally you can see a bird fly out of the ivy on it’s way to errands or wherever it goes… and all the while, the whole three story brick wall blanketed with vegetation is alive with sound. It’s the most beautiful thing and the most lovely sound… when I hear it I cannot help but to have my face explode into a smile and my heart fill with amazement over how such a small thing, can seem like it makes the whole day FULL, even though I’ve only been awake for a few hours. This one little thing, is a moment in and of itself, that makes the whole day worth getting up for. Add this unique moment to all the other beautiful moments that fill my day, and I am so rich beyond measure for having experienced them. Alec’s ever alive energy. Adair’s special sensitivity. Michael’s steadfast love. And a wall, alive with singing.
Are there parts of me that are just as alive to the person walking by? Are the walls of my exterior able to hold and sustain and support a vine in which life that can make it’s home in? Are my walls singing and lighting up the face of the passerby because of the song that is coming out?
With Christ, all things are possible.
I have thoughts to capture, if I could just see them out of the corner of my eye as they pass like that scratch that seems illusive on my eyeball itself. Ever had that? Ever tried to zero in and focus solely on it, but even as you do, it scoots just left of where you can see it and all you end up seeing is its tail?
I feel just like that today… the thoughts that I would love to write about seem to be passing and all I can see is the tail of where they just where…. a faint whisper that they went by already and I couldn’t capture them. I know I do that with God too… I see a lot of where He just was, I’m too consumed to have my head buried in the cleft of the rock, that by the time I look up to glance about, He’s already passed by…. yet the truth holds that even where He just was lights up my face in a way that others can witness the illumination.
Let me pause a moment and think of where I have seen where God just was…
…In the tail of Adair’s giggle over the word “fluffy” that is written over and over again on a shirt for her, along with the colors of the rainbow spelled out as they show the color themselves…
…In the sunset that I saw hugging onto what was left of the day, waiting, just waiting for me to see it as I glanced out my kitchen window while deep in thought…
…In the wise eyes and heart of the woman I work with, who shared a banana squash with me that was delicious…
…In the way my husband asked me “how was your day?” in the most loving and inviting way, which even if it were the only thing he said to me all day, it would have been enough to feel loved an entire lifetime…
Those are tails of places I know God just was… and it’s not until now that I find them… after the moment has already passed.
I’m so blessed to have been able to just now reach up and grab the tails of those kite string moments… I shall hang onto them as they swim out of view into the expanse of space, and I will let them transport me through the great economy of love, grace and peace that they offered… while not expecting anything in return, other than for me to simply witness and revel in the truth in them.
This is a glimpse into my story today…
The weather is turning.. fall is on us… the clouds are low today and they appear so heavy with moisture that their release may fill the morning up, if not the entire day. I love this change in season, this invitation to slow down, to bundle up, and to get reacquainted with evenings that come sooner. The coming on of fall helps me to find center again… its like the whole world, or at least my world, is being called to slow down, to slow its spin, which offers me longer glimpses into my surroundings because I myself am not going so fast. Not that I move fast intentionally, but there certainly are times where I look back on things and I’m amazed wondering where the time went. I think the seasons change invites me to change, to pull back, or to grow outward, to bundle up, or to shed. I welcome the change, the offer, the opportunity. The leaves turning, the air clearing, the momentum shifting.
I’m sure time is not actually slowing down, but its as if there is some place in this reality that it is, even though it may not be. I don’t know how to explain it, other than to say it feels slower, although there is one side where I feel hurried, in that the need to harvest and can all the tomatoes before they go bad and before the snow flies. I have to wrap up the garden, prepare it for next year, and button up the outside to prepare it for my absence while winter keeps me indoors more.
Time is slowing, time is speeding, yet all the while time is staying the same. I am the one slowing, I am the one speeding… are there parts of me that are staying the same? Most assuredly… they are the ones that keep me in a me, while the growing and shifting parts of me explore the unknown me that I dream about becoming everyday.
I’m finding myself hugged tightly by God lately… so tightly that I can hear my back popping and its the bear hug itself that announces to you how much you really needed it, yet didn’t realize that you did until you were embraced into it. It’s absolutely amazing. So strong, so complete… it’s the kind that melts away the day (or last couple of years) as if it never occurred, or as if it has no importance in the large scheme of things anyway. What a power and presence to be swallowed up within.
I love my job… I appreciate what it is, and what I am able to do… and I’m really appreciating who I am placed with. Such unique and beautiful people, all of them. Unique God carriers all of them. Everyday is like a treasure hunt or scavenger hunt, and I am getting clues to things I didn’t know I was hungry to know.
Stitching hasn’t been happening too much, other than to make a stocking for my niece and new baby nephew… what a miracle and precious creature. Blessing. Joy. Tangible grace and love. Wish I could see and hold. Will need to get linen to make stockings for my brother and his wife as well…. Wise man… and Angel that they are.
Stitching on Quaker Virtues… have stitched Simplicity all… and had to do some frogging of a border of a top motif that was off by one square. To punish it I have kept it in the bag for a time out, and ignored it all together… I should forgive my poor stitchery and take responsibility for stitching with tired eyes… I shall forgive it tonight and stitch it again while watching Biden and Palin debate. I’m really curious to see how it plays out. Will it be one sided? Will Sarah have better answers than she has for other interviews? Will Biden be mellower? Interesting to say the least. Which presidential candidate do I support you wonder? It’s not as obvious as some would automatically assume.
Well… it’s been a long time since I’ve written… I’m sorry bloggy. I shall not keep so quiet. I’ve been adjusting though this last month…. to this new schedule, to this new adventure, to this partially new part of me that I am walking into. It’s been a bit jarring, and a bit freeing, and a bit scary, and a bit beautiful, all wrapped up into one tapestry. So many colors, so many interesting textures.
I got the job! So thrilled. This means so much. I will get to learn lots of new things… I will also need to relearn what it’s like to be at work all day. This is a huge transition after nearly 9 years of being a stay at home mommy. I’m excited for all that this means. Wow.
The job interview I had on Friday went well… I was super nervous, but focussed on only being me. The five people on the search committee were so nice, and enjoyable… you could tell they had a connection with each other and a community between them by the way they freely and heartily laughed and seemingly enjoyed each others company. The questions were within my ability to answer, and although I think I didn’t properly explain as well as I could have some answers, I think it went well. Prior to the interview, my nerves made me sick to my stomach, yet thankfully I can report that afterward I was relieved that I had done it and that it was a good experience. If nothing else, I’m thankful to meet such nice people who immediately put me at ease… they really were so kind, especially given how my nerves were at a peak.
We’ll see what happens! )))
I have an interview for the first position that I applied for at the University this Friday at 2:15pm. I can’t decide if I’m more excited than I am terrified, or the other way around. Truly, the pit of my stomach feels like it’s taken residence in the bottom of my throat. Trying to focus on how to truly be myself. It’s been so long since I’ve had a real interview… at least 12 years. Even though I worked last year at my kids Elementary school, I didn’t have an interview, it was more like I talked to the principle and said, “Do you need any more aides?” and he said “We might, let me look at the budget.” To which two days later he said, “Go down to the district and fill out the paperwork and when can you start?” I don’t think it could get easier than that.
Be myself. Be myself. Be me.
++God, please help me be me.++
In applying for employment at our local University, a friend told me “good luck…” and further went on to explain that a number of people apply repeatedly for positions there, yet fail to get them because they are in such high demand, in addition to the large size of the applicant pool. So, not only am I up against many many others, but there is also the factor that several of the others are already current employees at USU, which means that they will be given preference if we are even in our experience/education. This is disheartening to me, but instead of getting mired down by discouragement, I upped my chances by applying to a few more positions… sort of like throwing everything I can at the wall to see what sticks. I thought I’d get an inside look at what exactly the procedure is, and inquired with my adviser from college. He suggested that I simply try to get my foot in the door, with whatever position I could get, and then I can move laterally or upwardly when other avenues open up. He also said that because I am overqualified for the positions that I am applying for, I may not be considered as strongly for the job. Because after all, wouldn’t someone who is overqualified take the position and then be in hot pursuit of a better opportunity? So, I guess if I get an interview I will need to express that I do have longevity, despite being “overqualified.”
And overqualified… that seems to sound like such a funny thing… because obviously I want the job, otherwise I would not apply, and if I want the job, I believe I have the qualifications to do it well. What makes me overqualified you might ask? A Bachelors degree instead of an Associates degree. A rotten piece of paper is all. And, it’s a piece of paper that does not afford me any positions that pays more than the positions I am applying for at the University!
So there you have it. I am going to throw until something sticks. And yes, I know I throw like a girl, but it’s not about how you throw, it’s about the consistency of throwing that counts. And what am I throwing? Me! : )
In all of this I am sure God will surprise me… after all, Moses just wanted to be a shepherd, and God instead said to him that He wanted him to be a mouthpiece for God, a prophet. And Paul… a Jew who would be perfect to speak to the Jews on their level, but instead God sends him to the gentiles. Then there’s Peter, a fisherman and not that educated, who would have be perfectly suited to minister to the gentiles, yet instead, God sent him to minister to the Jews. So what of me? Perhaps I’m throwing all of this at the wall to see what sticks, and instead God’s going to do something totally different. We’ll see… we’ll see. I know that God is a God of abundance, and there is plenty to go around. Perhaps God is going to throw me at a wall and watch if I stick.
What is impossible for people is possible with God.
~ Luke 18:27
I’m in a spot where it’s time to get a job… and it’s not just any job that I’m after… but a job that I love, and that I get paid for something that I’d do for free. I’m torn between getting a little more schooling, which will take me about 10 months full time for web design and coding, or… the possibilities do exist to find employment now, with my current set of skills. More schooling may mean more $, but it also means more sacrifice in this tight and struggling economy…. but, for possibly only 10 more months. I don’t have the money to pay for the schooling, so choosing that as an option would be working on faith that it will work out somehow… begging, borrowing, with my limit at not stealing. 
OR, seeking employment now. The good ol’ pro and con list about each is tabulating in my mind these days, while there are lots of dicussions with God as I do so…
Oh… and did I fail to mention that I actually applied for a job? Yep. I did, I did. When I saw it and read it’s description by happenstance (perhaps read as God’s divine appointment) it sounded as if it was written exactly for me. How odd. I applied and hope to get an interview… we’ll see what happens.
Being a mermaid is still in the back of my mind…..
What a lovely day to be alive. Life is moving on, and today is a new day to experience all that it holds in mystery for us. Sun, heat, grass, smiles, laughter, butterflies and flowers are all around me. How could I not be thankful for such gifts? To not be thankful would to not have eyes to see…
It doesn’t seem like that long ago that Mike and I said “I Do” to eachother. In some ways, it really is only a short period of time… and yet in some ways it seems like an entire lifetime ago. We’ve had two beautiful children and discovered so much more than we knew setting out on this journey together. What an honor and privilage I have to know this man, love him, honor him, and daily have the gift of being his wife and partner. He amazes me daily with his abilities, gifts, his skills, his mind, and how he loves. I sometimes feel overwhelmed at the thought that he loves me. ME! Me… me. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve his heart, but I am so honored to have and hold it and I treasure it.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails… 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
I recently learned that the best obstetrician in the world, the one who delivered my children, and his family, just experienced a heartbreaking tragedy in the unexpected death of their 18 year old son, David. My heart is broken for them and their devastating loss.
Life is so fragile… so precious…
Here is some of the recent progress I’ve made on my Quaker Virtues sampler… I’m trying to stitch everything I can within the hooped space, even though I’d really like to scoot more to the left of the pattern…. for some reason I really want to stitch the little tree that is there. I’ll get to it soon enough, but for right now, since it’s so happily fitting in my Q-snap, and my SnapWrap (thanks Mom!), I’ll keep it as is and get as much stitched as I can with what linen is before me!
Also, I have come to a pause in both of my kids Christmas Stockings, all I need to do is stitch in Alec’s “We Three” and his name, as well as in Adair’s the word “Hark” and her name, then I can affix all the pretty little beads and charms on both. Adair would like to change the lettering that the pattern has for the word ”Hark” because it’s a little harder to make out. So, I need to chart a new
Hark, as well as a matching We Three for Alec’s and then I think I should finish these up and send them to my seamstress of a mother who will make quick work of finishing these up and putting into real stocking form. I’m afraid if that task was left to me, I’d have them unfinished for far too long, as I am not nearly as talented as she is with the sewing machine… my confidence in that is minimal. So, I’m delegating and she is willing to be a wonderful mother, and Grandma I might add, to finish these for me once I get all the stitching and beads done! Once again, thanks Mom… you’re the best! And I mean that! The vague stocking “shape” is there… but I’m sure my mom will coax it out a little more when she gets to sewing them!
And finally… I am posting this mornings picture of happy little Torpedo… who has fallen asleep on me a few times today and I have been disovering a joy that is more complete in knowing so much more than I thought I knew.
Did you know? Have you ever actually seen a real miracle? I know out of all the things, this seems like the least of these, but our kitten Torpedo… he is a miracle with fur. He is a miracle that purrs.. he is a miracle that demonstrates the gift of love, and the power of love, and the true power that using your God given gifts can and does heal others. The vet who called us on the weekend and offered her time and abilities and care… giving us her heart’s true care and love, brought us healing in every way. She literally brought our hearts a hope that we can touch in this precious kitten. He’s all well… he has no burdened breath, he has an amazing appetite for a creature that is so small, and he has a personality that gives us such joy to witness and interact with.
I cannot explain the several different levels of patience and trust we labored to walk through, as we not only tried to keep a hope alive that something magical was possible, but that we waited in a level of faith that showed us it was ok to hope, and indeed, vital to hope and pray and to be patient with God because His love is beyond the measure of this time and space continuum.
I know people have prayed for miracles and seemingly not recieved them… I myself have been in this position… to pray for healing of someone who is battling to live and survive over cancer that is invading their body. I can’t explain why I would be given so much grace and love as to have this little kitten be healed by the outstretched love of a person who only had themselves to give. But that’s what happend, and I dare only realize that it was a gift, both for my innermost heart, as well as for the hearts of my children who dared to hope. Just as the kitten struggled to breath on the edge of life, we were given the opportunity to demonstrate our hope one breath after another.
Jill Carattini wrote beautifully in today’s Slice of Infinity, ”There is something about suffering and despair that brings us to strain our ears for the voice of God. Where we have written God off as silent, where we have lived with the suspicion of a distant or demanding ruler, there is a compulsion within our pain that forces us to listen. There is an image of Christ who carried the same burden. And it is met with the promise of one who speaks: This sickness will not end in death.”
The vet said that she did not think the kitten would have made it throught the weekend if no action was taken…. I know, I know, this all sounds so simple, it’s just a kitten afterall. To some he may be just that, a 4 1/2 week old kitten who got the medical care he needed and therefore he survived. But to me, to my heart, he is a miracle and a testament to the power of love and sharing our gifts and to the goodness of a God who hears and nothing is too small for Him to touch. Love comes in every color and flavor out there, I believe it has no bounds as to who it can effect and who it can heal. There is no one who cannot give it, and although some have a hard time recieving it, it still touches them just like water touches soil when it rains.
A reminder to myself:
Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ~ Romans 12:12
I still have yet to fully understand God in His mysteries, but today I have a miracle with fur that makes my heart have a deeper knowledge of all things beautiful that just a few days ago I struggled to find the hope to see.
An amazing thing happened on Saturday. The vet who we saw on Friday called Saturday morning to inquire after our little Torpedo. I explained as best I could his failing condition and that I did not think he would make it through the weekend. She offered to come to my home, and pick him up and bring him to her home and treat him in her oxygen tank. She is an Angel if I ever did encounter one. Talk about a divine appointment. She has treated Torpedo all weekend, he’s remained in the oxygen tank where he has been recieving double our atmosphere’s oxygen, which has helped him incredibly. She reports that he’s pinked up, that his appetite has returned with a vengence, and that he’s grooming himself. She has noted that when she takes him out of the tank, at first his labored breathing would return, evidence of his decreased lung capacity, but as his treatment has continued he seems to be improving, having spent 30 min. outside the tank yesterday afternoon without labored breathing, until get this… he saw his own shadow and got scared and he did a flip and then began breathing hard! Can you just imagine?
She’s concerned that his belly is really big, which either could be because of the pneumonia extending his lungs down, or it could be because he’s a porker and hasn’t really caught up growing wise because of this stress.
She is calling me everyday with updates and we are so beyond blessed to know that at least he’s getting all the care he needs. I have no idea how much this all will cost me, I am prepared that it may be extensive, but I would pay an arm and a leg not to watch an animal suffer, let alone my son’s kitten who he says is his. The torment.
Anyway… we are so hopeful for Torpedo’s full healing…. I don’t know where to begin to describe how this little creature has climbed into my heart and made his home there. Amazing.
There is a very fine balance that I am just on the edge of. A spacious place is on my one side, and a cliff is right beside it, with a vast deep canyon down below. All I hear is silence on the outside, while the inside of me has a crowd of voices swirling around like a tornado. The Bible says “Perfect love casts out fear…” yet I admit to fear welling up within the vortex of the tornado of voices and gaining in it’s own volume. I’m at a crux. Seeing a little precious life so fragile before my eyes struggle to live. STRUGGLE to LIVE! STRUGGLE TO BREATH! Struggle to CONTINUE. Just one breath after another, as if that is all it can do, as if that is all it wants to do. And here I sit, watching it, and being completely and utterly unable to do anything for it. I can’t hold him because it hurts him. I can’t pet him, because it makes him want to mew, which then takes more of his precious breath that he’s struggling to get. All I can do is just share the room with him and pray and cry, and wonder how to hope.
Wondering how to hope…. it’s as if it’s a struggle, just as the kitten struggles for breath, but continues to take one shallow gasp after another… and so maybe that is what I should do. Just work through the struggle of having one hope after another.
I feel like this moment, this hour, this day is sacred. Like I’m in a bubble where there is something so vital for me to learn and it’s as though it’s on the edge of someplace where I don’t know how to go because I can’t fly and I don’t have a parachute to jump down to see what’s below in the Valley.
What is that quote about better to love than not at all? Love… love… love… hope… hope… hope… breathe… breathe… breathe… monica, just breathe… just one breath after the other… just inhale… exhale… it’s all you can do in this moment… and the moment after that.
hope. feel. live. love. hope………
Well… the little kitty is quite sick. He was released to us tonight, but his breathing is as fast as you can imagine, if not faster. I’m so concerned and crying out in prayer that the two shots of antibiotics and the rest that I will begin giving him tomorrow will begin his healing. The Vet said that if any improvement is to be seen it should happen after his third dose of antibiotics. I’m praying for a miracle, it doesn’t have to be a big one, as he’s just a little thing, but a miracle none the less. My eyes are filled with tears knowing what lies ahead if he doesn’t respond to the antibiotics. Alec and Adair have fresh memories of little Einstein kitten that we had…
+++God, please hear the cry of my heart, and hear the cry of my kid’s hearts. Please be present in this. Please demonstrate your love, and please give us eyes to see it. We are already so attached to this little life you’ve given us to shepherd. Please heal our littlest baby with fur. +++
