You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2008.
I got the job! So thrilled. This means so much. I will get to learn lots of new things… I will also need to relearn what it’s like to be at work all day. This is a huge transition after nearly 9 years of being a stay at home mommy. I’m excited for all that this means. Wow.
I just have to comment and journal to myself that I am seeing so many of God’s unique fingerprints right now… so many things are just too amazing to be coincidence. I am blessed and full of hope.
The job interview I had on Friday went well… I was super nervous, but focussed on only being me. The five people on the search committee were so nice, and enjoyable… you could tell they had a connection with each other and a community between them by the way they freely and heartily laughed and seemingly enjoyed each others company. The questions were within my ability to answer, and although I think I didn’t properly explain as well as I could have some answers, I think it went well. Prior to the interview, my nerves made me sick to my stomach, yet thankfully I can report that afterward I was relieved that I had done it and that it was a good experience. If nothing else, I’m thankful to meet such nice people who immediately put me at ease… they really were so kind, especially given how my nerves were at a peak.
We’ll see what happens! 
)))
In the words of Nemo,“FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!” My kids couldn’t be more happy. They are taking the bus to and from school for the first time, and Alec feels like such a big boy because he’s going to be in big first grade. What an amazing thing… my little Bubba… in first grade. Just minutes ago I swear he was only a baby… not anymore.
Then there is my sweet sweet Adair… entering the big world of 3rd grade. I REMEMBER THIRD GRADE! Everything that she does now is being locked inside her brain!!! Just yesterday she was my baby… my punktin… my sweetie…
Wow… being a mom is like watching a caterpiller turn into a butterfly every single day…
I have an interview for the first position that I applied for at the University this Friday at 2:15pm. I can’t decide if I’m more excited than I am terrified, or the other way around. Truly, the pit of my stomach feels like it’s taken residence in the bottom of my throat. Trying to focus on how to truly be myself. It’s been so long since I’ve had a real interview… at least 12 years. Even though I worked last year at my kids Elementary school, I didn’t have an interview, it was more like I talked to the principle and said, “Do you need any more aides?” and he said “We might, let me look at the budget.” To which two days later he said, “Go down to the district and fill out the paperwork and when can you start?” I don’t think it could get easier than that.
Be myself. Be myself. Be me.
++God, please help me be me.++
In applying for employment at our local University, a friend told me “good luck…” and further went on to explain that a number of people apply repeatedly for positions there, yet fail to get them because they are in such high demand, in addition to the large size of the applicant pool. So, not only am I up against many many others, but there is also the factor that several of the others are already current employees at USU, which means that they will be given preference if we are even in our experience/education. This is disheartening to me, but instead of getting mired down by discouragement, I upped my chances by applying to a few more positions… sort of like throwing everything I can at the wall to see what sticks. I thought I’d get an inside look at what exactly the procedure is, and inquired with my adviser from college. He suggested that I simply try to get my foot in the door, with whatever position I could get, and then I can move laterally or upwardly when other avenues open up. He also said that because I am overqualified for the positions that I am applying for, I may not be considered as strongly for the job. Because after all, wouldn’t someone who is overqualified take the position and then be in hot pursuit of a better opportunity? So, I guess if I get an interview I will need to express that I do have longevity, despite being “overqualified.”
And overqualified… that seems to sound like such a funny thing… because obviously I want the job, otherwise I would not apply, and if I want the job, I believe I have the qualifications to do it well. What makes me overqualified you might ask? A Bachelors degree instead of an Associates degree. A rotten piece of paper is all. And, it’s a piece of paper that does not afford me any positions that pays more than the positions I am applying for at the University!
So there you have it. I am going to throw until something sticks. And yes, I know I throw like a girl, but it’s not about how you throw, it’s about the consistency of throwing that counts. And what am I throwing? Me! : )
In all of this I am sure God will surprise me… after all, Moses just wanted to be a shepherd, and God instead said to him that He wanted him to be a mouthpiece for God, a prophet. And Paul… a Jew who would be perfect to speak to the Jews on their level, but instead God sends him to the gentiles. Then there’s Peter, a fisherman and not that educated, who would have be perfectly suited to minister to the gentiles, yet instead, God sent him to minister to the Jews. So what of me? Perhaps I’m throwing all of this at the wall to see what sticks, and instead God’s going to do something totally different. We’ll see… we’ll see. I know that God is a God of abundance, and there is plenty to go around. Perhaps God is going to throw me at a wall and watch if I stick.
What is impossible for people is possible with God.
~ Luke 18:27
Many evenings we are fortunate enough to have canyon winds. They whisk out the stale hot air, and replace it with a freshness that is unseen, a recognizable movement that you can sense against your skin, and a current that you can inhale and take in deeply. It’s such a welcome occurrence, yet it does require some scheduling… like remembering to water your lawn in the morning instead of evening, as the winds seem to sweep away your mist and generously carry it to your neighbors yard. I miss the wind when it doesn’t come, for then I find the hot air hangs on me like a heavy blanket right out of the dryer, I can feel the weight of it, even though the air itself is not something that I can see with my own eyes.
I wonder sometimes when I feel the wind come on… are there winds like this in my heart? If so, what are they? What causes movement and shift within me? Is it an unseen wind, blowing in from the East? Does it bring with it a need to rearrange other things, like the watering inside? Would it blow any mist from the sprinklers in my heart and mind to other unexpected places? It’s all supposition I realize, but sometimes I do think that indeed my mind becomes fresher, the heated heavy blanket gets lifted, and the new air is easier to inhale because of it’s freshness…. and in fact, it’s very presence alone makes you desire to inhale it, just to confirm to yourself that it is there.
So much occurs with the wind… and yet it remains unseen, except for the imprint it reveals as it touches the leaves of trees. But in my heart and mind, I imagine the imprint to be less apparent, despite that it can’t help but to announce itself in a quiet echoing way. Do I have eyes to see it? Can I notice where it’s been? I don’t know if I feel it in the moment, or after it’s passed over and onward, but I believe at times within me, something just feels different, something feels shifted, like I have had a new page blown open for me to view. Perhaps areas that were once walls inside me, become less than such and are reduced only to hurdles. Perhaps areas that were once hardened within, become tenderized with a softer skin and center, that are more receptive to other thoughts and ideas that were once unable to penetrate to the deeper recesses. Perhaps places that held fear, are able to be transformed into an unexplainable boldness or eagerness to explore the areas that earlier seemed too frighting. And perhaps places within that once held tightly onto a lack of understanding, now possess a desire to understand and find a kindled hope that whatever needs to be revealed, will be as time allows it. A movement from uncertainty into assurance, a transition from insecurity into a freedom, or a flowing from being bound and confined, into an unhindered and unconditional acceptance of all hearts, no matter their shape, season, or condition.
I welcome these changes… these winds of the heart… of the mind… the winds that I cannot predict, but that seem to come at their own readiness, when the climate is just right and beckons them. It’s interesting to see also that stiffer winds do blow, and with them they can destroy what once seemed like sturdy structures. A tree in our yard succumbed to such a fate the other day, not from mere canyon winds, but the gustier winds of a current that was passing over our area. It was the type of wind that requires you to stack your chairs, huddle potted plants together for safety, and the definite removal of tables and umbrellas that could transform into kites as the winds power could easily abscond them. Our tree split at a weak point, the whipping wind snapped and felled it. I imagine it was due to a succession of the continued beating from the wind that finally made it bend to the point of no return. But I am unsure if the wind actually destroyed the tree, or if it merely just revealed it’s weakness in that moment. Despite the tree being staked and supported, the wind still found it’s snapping point. I’m curious as to what these stronger types of winds in our hearts and minds are? The ones that come in on a front of their own… what about the impact that those leave within? I can imagine the aftermath. There are sudden and tragic events that can happen to so many, and those events, those winds, in and of themselves, can literally force us into a new reality on many levels. Do these experiences just reveal tenderness that we didn’t know was there? Perhaps these stronger fronts of wind merely allow us a unique glimpse into the humanness of our heart and the love it can and does hold.
These are the stirrings within me this morning. Stirrings of the canyon winds in my heart, as they make a hollow whistling sound like the wind does as it passes through pine trees… this is what I am hearing today… the low echo of it’s presence as it blows across the surfaces of my heart, as it bellows quietly it’s distinctive low hum in my mind, just asking for me to question it and sit with it, all the while knowing that I can’t catch it, instead harnessing a portion of it’s force.
“The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”John 3:8
It may not look that sunny in this photo, because the sun was hiding behind a rather large cloud for a little while, but eventually the cloud moved aside while we spent the day at Bear Lake last Sunday. Here are my little bumpkins, Adair and Alec, all floaty on Mike’s float tube out in the water… we had a good time wrapping up the last little bit of summer before school starts NEXT WEEK.
My word…. I said that out loud… NEXT WEEK! I know, I know… I just said it again! To be exact, back to school night is on Wednesday evening, and then school starts promptly on Thursday morning. I cannot believe how quickly time flew…. it’s quite possible that the time itself got kidnapped by some magical force and completely and totally stolen away. I bet that’s exactly what happened! One minute it was there, and the next minute…. POOF…. GONE. It left no trail, no whereabouts as to it’s disappeance, it just simply vanished in the span of a second. I know I should have seen it coming, because I know that’s EXACTLY what happened last summer… but I guess I got dulled by all the Otterpops and late nights. We have to get back on a schedule again! Bedtime for the kids by 8:30pm. Breakfast first thing in the morning! Getting ready for school! Homework after school! ACK! Oh, and making lunch! *sigh* I’m getting dizzy.
I’m in a spot where it’s time to get a job… and it’s not just any job that I’m after… but a job that I love, and that I get paid for something that I’d do for free. I’m torn between getting a little more schooling, which will take me about 10 months full time for web design and coding, or… the possibilities do exist to find employment now, with my current set of skills. More schooling may mean more $, but it also means more sacrifice in this tight and struggling economy…. but, for possibly only 10 more months. I don’t have the money to pay for the schooling, so choosing that as an option would be working on faith that it will work out somehow… begging, borrowing, with my limit at not stealing. 
OR, seeking employment now. The good ol’ pro and con list about each is tabulating in my mind these days, while there are lots of dicussions with God as I do so…
Oh… and did I fail to mention that I actually applied for a job? Yep. I did, I did. When I saw it and read it’s description by happenstance (perhaps read as God’s divine appointment) it sounded as if it was written exactly for me. How odd. I applied and hope to get an interview… we’ll see what happens.
Being a mermaid is still in the back of my mind…..
After spending the evenings watching the Olympic events while stitching, I finally retire to sleep, past my normal bedtime. I’m exhausted after all the watching of the winning of Gold, Silver, and Bronze Medals… I tell you… I’m amazed at the conditioning of all the athletes. What I find most comical is that in my sleep, I am competing! I am swimming the 4×100m Freestyle relay with the men’s swimmers! I am swimming in my own final of the 100 Breaststroke along with all the women, and I am swimming alongside Piersol in Backstroke and tying him for Gold! And, after all of those, as if they were not enough, I am doing the floor routine of gymnastics and then the balance beam, followed quickly by my playing of Women’s Beach Volleyball! I have fenced in my sleep, I have participated in the men’s kayaking, and, of course I am so in sync with my sync diving with the Chinese Women’s team. I have won so many Gold, Silver, and Bronze Medals in my sleep, I am just amazed at all of my abilities. I’m most suprised by the fact that I compete both with the men and women… what a shock, but none the less, I am so excellent at any sport I try, that I medal in it. It really is quite the thrill! I have seen myself in a body suit speedo, I have looked so great in my beach volleyball bikini, and I have even been amazed at my muscle conditioning as I kayaked. I am a dream Olympian, and a medalist at that!
While watching the Olympic swimming events I finished my SB stocking (pattern: Elisabeth’s Stocking), sans my name stitched at the top, and sans the finish of the beads and buttons. Instead of totally finishing it, I started my husband’s stocking (pattern: Reed’s Stocking)… his is a shepherd I can’t wait to finish these and send them off with the ones I made for my kids for my mom to make into stocking shapes! )))
Well, here is my new start of the Wiehenburg Quaker Mystery 2008, stitching on 32 ct. Ivory Belfast linen, with one over two, using Gentle Arts Hyacinth. I have had to frog the upper right triangles and boxes twice, and the lower right triangles and boxes once. RRGH. I am now seeing the light at the end of the motif and will be happy to be done of it and move onto a different and happy little motif where I vow to count better so that I won’t have to frog any stitching. RRGH.
Let’s see… today was the beginning day of the Cache Valley Fair… I took the kids and was alarmed at the cost of things.
Fair Entrance: Free
Cost of tickets for three rides: $20
Two funnel cakes with powdered sugar: $8
Little package of candied almonds: $3
Seeing my kids think it was fun: Priceless
Listened to a wonderful message and reminder, by Jeanne Stevens, titled The Long Way Around: Why God Waits. Jeanne’s message goes straight to my heart… reminding us of how our waiting is purposeful, even if our perspective does not always see it as such. She reminds us that God loves waiting, and that we are the ones who struggle with it, and that God sees waiting differently than we do. We see it as an in between place, in between where we are and where we think we want to be… while God on the other hand sees it with the perspective of a transformative place. Jeanne said that God is in the wait. At the end, Jeanne mentioned a quote by author of “When the Heart Waits”, Sue Monk Kidd that was very stirring to me:
Transformations come, only as we go the long way around. Only as we’re willing to walk a different, longer, more arduous, more inward, more prayerful route. When you wait, you’re deliberately choosing to take the long way. To go eight blocks instead of four, trusting that there’s a transforming discovery lying along the way.
A while ago, a friend of mine talked about taking the back roads and how he actually preferred them as they in and of themselves were quite possibly the link to inspiration or a deeper quiet that needed to be inhaled. How often do we realize those opportunities?
Waiting…
waiting…
experiencing what is in the wait…
finding God’s presence and purpose as we struggle with our inability to rest in the wait…
not forcing our own solution, or confine God into a toothpick box…
Just wait…
Can we refocus our eagerness into a wonder? Into a sweet anticipation? The wait is the link to a portion of our hearts transformation. What a great message.
I was listening again to a message by the awesome Shane Hipps, titled “Cats Don’t Bark” …. covering 1 Samuel 18. It is so, so, so worth the listen. It’s on our calling in this world, on our ability to listen to this call, heed it, and live it. Every time we do what we are made to do, we will bless the world most. Are we seeking to become and do the very thing God made us for? The world is waiting for us to be who God made us to be. Just as Tiger Woods picked up a golf club and does what he is made to do, with the tool designed for his gift, we too have something specific that God has equipped us to give, that fits the specific need that the world around us has the ache, longing, and need for. We likely won’t be Tiger, we won’t be Lance Armstrong, we won’t be Bill Gates, but we still have something so unique, so specifically designed for us to give, that if we don’t give it, the world will be less than blessed, because we didn’t give what was specifically ours to give. This message is followed by another message called Stop Depriving Us… which is also so interesting & thought provoking!
When Adair was about four or five, she’d tell me “I want to be a mermaid when I grow up…” and you could see in her eyes how she was picturing what it would be like. Just looking at her you could see her eyes swim and you could see her think of flicking her tail as she propelled herself through the water.
Mike has asked me from time to time, “What do you want to do when you go back to work?” because my youngest, Alec, will start first grade next year and be in school all day along with Adair as she will enter third grade. All I have been able to muster when my husband has asked this is the thought in my head of “I want to be a mermaid….” and my mind swims off.
This ABC Calligraphie by Lawrence Roque is stunning… I must do this.
Look at the piece in progress by an inspiring stitcher named Cathy… it’s amazing. Just amazing.
Mom? How about another Stitch-Along in addition to our Quaker Mystery 2008? ; )
Have you heard the saying or seen the bumper sticker “Time spent fishing cannot be deducted from a man’s life”? I asked my husband the if the same thing could be said like this, “Time spent stitching cannot be deducted from a woman’s life” and if it would be equally as true. His response was a quizzical expression that shrugged the answer “Sure…” and therefore I am relieved. My time spent stitching is not only about making an heirloom but it’s about time in thought and in reflection and prayer. All of which are likely similar to time spent fishing, but without the tales of the one that got away.
I don’t know why I like stitching… if it’s because I can focus on everything while I focus on one thing, or if it is because I can go to an inner place and find peace and calm when sometimes things on the outside are not so much reflective of that. I’m not sure. I like the creating of it, and I like the distraction of it, all the while knowing that I can lay it aside when I want to do something else. I like having my hands move, in some tiny tiny ways it reduces my desire to grab food, haahaa.
I have about six works in progress right now, and a ton of patterns with linen and floss ready to go. I like being able to switch from one pattern to another on any given day. Somehow having the choice of what to stitch is freeing, especially because sometimes I get bored with the look of one, so it’s fun to work on another and get hungry to go back to the one I tired of. ; )
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything of real substance. It’s hard to get to that place to write from in the clutteredness that I know I allow my life and day to get to. The other day, my mom phoned but was unable to reach me, and thus she had to listen to my voicemail on my cell phone. She later told me that I should re-record my greeting, as it sounded like I had recorded it on a low day. I explained that I recorded it intentionally in that way, as I had tried to tone down my voice in a way, so as to be softer, and less zingy and zangy. More palatable, more patient sounding. More comforting, more mellow. I guess I sometimes feel like I sound like an excitable small yappy dog, one of the ones that never shut up. Yep, that’s me sometimes… I just keep on barking in a high pitched shrill… yap yap yap.
So what is this softness about that I’m looking for, searching for, or trying to be? Maybe it’s a softness from the inside, that I do know is there, yet doesn’t seem to always be tangible. Maybe it’s a speech seasoned with just the right amount of salt (love), and just the right amount of inflection for just the right moment. Maybe just not the sound that sounds excitable all the time, the yap, the yip, the zang and the zing.
Wondering to myself… is it possible to take the yappy out of me, and still be me? And, maybe it is just me, in that when I listen to my own voice, it’s only something that I hear… the shrill yap, the zingy and aloof girl who could stand some more maturing. Maybe in all reality, it’s not really there at all, and instead, I should be content to sound just like me, however the me sounds in that moment. The very me who God has created and brought with flowing grace into each gift of a moment that I am honored to be a part of. Maybe it’s not about me trying to sound like I am soft persay, but trusting that when the time calls for it, the Spirit within me will guide me in giving generously the gentleness of heart and self-control of speech or tone, which beautifully finish off the list of the fruit of the Spirit.
Being content with me… the shrill, the zing, the zang, or the dull, the thick, or the moments of no thoughts at all. Giving myself as myself, not as some phony put on self, that doesn’t to my mother, sound like myself at all. I love you mom.
