You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June, 2008.
It doesn’t seem like that long ago that Mike and I said “I Do” to eachother. In some ways, it really is only a short period of time… and yet in some ways it seems like an entire lifetime ago. We’ve had two beautiful children and discovered so much more than we knew setting out on this journey together. What an honor and privilage I have to know this man, love him, honor him, and daily have the gift of being his wife and partner. He amazes me daily with his abilities, gifts, his skills, his mind, and how he loves. I sometimes feel overwhelmed at the thought that he loves me. ME! Me… me. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve his heart, but I am so honored to have and hold it and I treasure it.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails… 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
I recently learned that the best obstetrician in the world, the one who delivered my children, and his family, just experienced a heartbreaking tragedy in the unexpected death of their 18 year old son, David. My heart is broken for them and their devastating loss.
Life is so fragile… so precious…
I have good stitching days and not so good stitching days. Yesterday on our 2 hr. drive to the funeral I stitched, then I had to frog all that I just put in (about half a motif on QV) because I had started it in the wrong spot, because I stitched an extra bit on the other motif I was counting off of. DOH!
As I stitched, and unstitched yesterday, and a-gain today, I realized that sometimes God has to unstitch things I stitch into my life, because I counted wrong, or went mindlessly where I should have been paying more attention to the details. I also noticed that when my thread becomes tangled, and I have to spend the better part of 5 minutes figuring out how to untangle it so that my needle can move freely, I feel like I connect to God, because He regularly does this for me. I get going too fast or I get caught up in things or in emotions, and time and again, I get stuck. I find myself in a tangle. My needle is not moving freely in life, and I’m motionless waiting for help to arrive. It’s funny to notice that He slows me down, takes His sweet and precious time, and helps me unravel what it was that got me all jumbled up. Usually He doesn’t grow impatient and just cut the tread and start over, but moreso, He sees where the hangup or knot is and He unweaves one strand at a time while I watch.
It’s good to get unraveled and untangled so I can move freely again. I’m present today, seeing where my need for unraveling is, and I’m connecting to a God who knows a thing or two about stitching if you can believe it.
My husbands Grandmother died last week after battling stomach cancer. She was his mom’s mom. May she rest in peace now without pain or further suffering. She was a devout Mormon and a devoted wife. Tomorrow is her funeral at an LDS church. The weather tomorrow will be about 95 degrees and the funeral is at noon.
Today, I took the kids to get some clothes that fit, as they are growing so quickly out of their other things. But what do kids wear to funerals? Are they bound by the same ettiquite as adults? It was a stressful day… shopping with two kids is stressful enough, let alone trying to find just the “right” looking things. Is floral too much? But she’s 8…. floral is pretty. Is a sundress inappropriate? It is a funeral, not a bbq afterall. But it’s summer and will be hot. And for my son… it seems that they only had longsleeved shirts with ties, and no short sleeve. I bought the long sleeve, but in the end went to another store and got him a polo shirt instead with short sleeves because I worried that he’d be fainting at the internment.
I have a “funeral dress”…. got it a few years ago, tomorrow will be the third time I have worn it…. it’s only seen those somber days.
I vow that when I die… if I have a funeral planned for me, the attire will be manditory flip flops and t-shirts and shorts or a hawiian shirt and sandles. If anyone comes in a suit or black dress, they will have to go to their car and change into something more comfortable. If, perchance I die in winter… well, then I’ll make sure people come dressed in their comfiest jeans and sweatshirts. Again, any dresses or heals, or nylons heaven forbid, and/or men in ties and suit coats will be reminded of the strict adherance to dress code and if they desire to mourn me proplerly, they will need to dress down for the affair.
I mean no disrespect here… I understand putting on your “Sunday Best” and all… what did my friend Reid say about that a long time ago? Something to the effect that it’s all in the heart anyway. Well, despite my black funeral dress bowing down to the ettiqute of a memorial, I will be wearing my heart on my sleeve… and I will be present in the moment and cherish life, and give honor to this thoughtful woman who God created. I celebrate her life, and tomorrow I will seek out life, and I will have my eyes reflect the Light of Life for anyone who will care to peer into them. Comfort will be found in them, and in turn, in Him who is in me. I will observe the ettiquite. I will wear black. But inside my heart I will be flowing with a floral print and with life abundantly. This doesn’t make sense I am sure… I guess it comes down to what we will do for others to show our love and respect.
In today’s Slice, Jill Carattini brought something to my heart to ponder… she notes,
“[...]Yet if the universe has always been a disordered series of time plus matter plus chance, how do we account for the intricate orderedness to life, the uniformity of nature, or even the intricacy of the very mind that asks the question? [....]
Scribbled on a note card, a quote by Frederick Buechner marks the page of one of my favorite Scriptures: “We learn to praise God,” it reads, “not by paying compliments, but by paying attention.” In fact, much of Scripture is a call to remember and take notice, to bear in mind the stories of God in history and to fix one’s eyes on God’s presence in the world today.”
Jill concluded with describing,
“The verse I have marked with a reminder to pay attention was written by one who did just that: “When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars that you have established; what are human beings that you are mindful of them, mortals that you care for them? [...] Yet you have made them a little lower than God, and crowned them with glory and honor” (Psalm 8:3-9). David lived with an eye on the kingdom of God around him, and as such, throughout his days, he remembered there is a king. “O Lord, our Sovereign, how majestic is your name in all the earth!”
This stirs my heart… and serves as a reminder to stay present.
With the increase in nearly every expense, from gas to food, to you name it… we have been mulling over the idea of disconnecting our cable tv. It would save us $50 a month, which could help in our other tighter areas. What is my need for tv anyway? The news is only negative, and or the spin on it is not always accurate, then the programs are getting worse and worse. The only thing we really love about it is the digital music channels, which I have playing all day long through the stereo speakers. But, there are other ways we could get tunes to the stereo speakers.
The winter definetly encourages more tv watching, but the summer time, geez… who has time for tv in the summer? It seems that I only turn it on in at 9pm to get the weather report and to watch the brief local news while I stitch for a minute.
Anyway… I feel bound to keeping tv for the times where ‘just in case’ I want to watch it. But what purpose does it serve? Sometimes entertainment, sometimes just distraction, and sometimes just plain avoidance because it helps me tune out other things that I probably should be focussing on.
$50 bucks a month would be the savings to unplug. That’s a little less than 1/2 of a grocery bill. It’s a struggle though. I like tv. It’s always there when you need it, and even when you don’t.
My son Alec hums. When he’s playing legos or drawing pictures, he has to hum. Adair hums to, but her tune is more random and artist inspired, while Alec’s on the other hand is intentional, and has to “be something” as in, from something. It was the theme song from Harry Potter for a little while, then it was Star Wars for a while longer, but recently with the new movie release in the theatres of Indiana Jones, we thought we’d rent those older ones to watch as a family (with the finger on the remote’s ’skip’ button for the more graphic parts). So we watched Raiders of the Lost Ark first, then we watched the Temple of Doom (much more use of the remote’s ’skip’ button for that one), and of course, everyone clearly remembers the theme song….
da-da-da-daaaa
da-daa-daaaaa
da-da-daaa
daa-da-da-da-daaaaaaa
da-da-da-daaaa
da-da-daaaaaa
da-da-daaaa-da-daa-daaaaa-da-da-da-da-da-da-da…
you get the idea..
or… for those of you who simply can’t figure out my singing in the “da-da format”, let me attempt to imbed a youtube illustration of it to really let it sink in:
So, Alec will hum this over and over, over and over, over and over. And, it’s not like he hums the whole song, just the intro… just the part I hummed for you above. Over and over, over and over. Louder, softer, over and over. Again and again. Repeat, repeat. Echo, echo. Sometimes Adair joins in, but she gets creative with it an starts putting in words for each musical note… she’ll say “In-di-ana-Jo-o-ones, In-di-anaaaaaa-Jo-jo-jo-o-onnnneesssss” etc. And Alec still hums the repetition without change.
What is the cutest to me about this is that every now and then Alec will forget how this tune goes. It simply leaves his brain after he goes and does something else and has some space from the theme music. And what does he do then? Well… then, he asks me, “Mommy? How does the song go?” not needing to refer to it by name, because of course I obviously know what song he’s referring to because it’s been the only song he’s hummed for the last week and a half. 
So, what do I do? The loving, devoted mother that I am? I smile hugely, and start giggling like a little kid being tickled and I start to hum it… o n e s i n g l e n o t e a t a t i m e.
S L 0 W L Y.
da
da
daa
daaaaaaaa….
waiting to see if he gets it yet….
not yet? still slowly… dragging it out, one note at a time… while he’s grinning from ear to ear, waiting to hear it, waiting for it to “click”…
da
daa
daaaaa
da
da
da
daaaaaa
then he gets it and finishes… and walks away the happiest kid on earth feeling so at home that he’s finally gotten the tune of it again in his head and all is right with the world. He doesn’t think I’m torturing him, holding one note at a time… I mean my face is about to crack open because I can’t smile any bigger as I lead him on his musical mystery with one note in “da format” waiting to see when it is exactly that he gets it. A “da” on it’s own is a little hard to get, but it’s when you string some of them together with the longer “daaa’s” that the song becomes more alive. Try it, you’ll see what I mean.
Anyway, yesterday he asked me twice what the theme song was, so I treasured the moment with abandon. I hope he asks me again today…. “Mommy? How does it go?”…. Please God, let him ask me today.
Here is some of the recent progress I’ve made on my Quaker Virtues sampler… I’m trying to stitch everything I can within the hooped space, even though I’d really like to scoot more to the left of the pattern…. for some reason I really want to stitch the little tree that is there. I’ll get to it soon enough, but for right now, since it’s so happily fitting in my Q-snap, and my SnapWrap (thanks Mom!), I’ll keep it as is and get as much stitched as I can with what linen is before me!
Also, I have come to a pause in both of my kids Christmas Stockings, all I need to do is stitch in Alec’s “We Three” and his name, as well as in Adair’s the word “Hark” and her name, then I can affix all the pretty little beads and charms on both. Adair would like to change the lettering that the pattern has for the word ”Hark” because it’s a little harder to make out. So, I need to chart a new
Hark, as well as a matching We Three for Alec’s and then I think I should finish these up and send them to my seamstress of a mother who will make quick work of finishing these up and putting into real stocking form. I’m afraid if that task was left to me, I’d have them unfinished for far too long, as I am not nearly as talented as she is with the sewing machine… my confidence in that is minimal. So, I’m delegating and she is willing to be a wonderful mother, and Grandma I might add, to finish these for me once I get all the stitching and beads done! Once again, thanks Mom… you’re the best! And I mean that! The vague stocking “shape” is there… but I’m sure my mom will coax it out a little more when she gets to sewing them!
And finally… I am posting this mornings picture of happy little Torpedo… who has fallen asleep on me a few times today and I have been disovering a joy that is more complete in knowing so much more than I thought I knew.
Did you know? Have you ever actually seen a real miracle? I know out of all the things, this seems like the least of these, but our kitten Torpedo… he is a miracle with fur. He is a miracle that purrs.. he is a miracle that demonstrates the gift of love, and the power of love, and the true power that using your God given gifts can and does heal others. The vet who called us on the weekend and offered her time and abilities and care… giving us her heart’s true care and love, brought us healing in every way. She literally brought our hearts a hope that we can touch in this precious kitten. He’s all well… he has no burdened breath, he has an amazing appetite for a creature that is so small, and he has a personality that gives us such joy to witness and interact with.
I cannot explain the several different levels of patience and trust we labored to walk through, as we not only tried to keep a hope alive that something magical was possible, but that we waited in a level of faith that showed us it was ok to hope, and indeed, vital to hope and pray and to be patient with God because His love is beyond the measure of this time and space continuum.
I know people have prayed for miracles and seemingly not recieved them… I myself have been in this position… to pray for healing of someone who is battling to live and survive over cancer that is invading their body. I can’t explain why I would be given so much grace and love as to have this little kitten be healed by the outstretched love of a person who only had themselves to give. But that’s what happend, and I dare only realize that it was a gift, both for my innermost heart, as well as for the hearts of my children who dared to hope. Just as the kitten struggled to breath on the edge of life, we were given the opportunity to demonstrate our hope one breath after another.
Jill Carattini wrote beautifully in today’s Slice of Infinity, ”There is something about suffering and despair that brings us to strain our ears for the voice of God. Where we have written God off as silent, where we have lived with the suspicion of a distant or demanding ruler, there is a compulsion within our pain that forces us to listen. There is an image of Christ who carried the same burden. And it is met with the promise of one who speaks: This sickness will not end in death.”
The vet said that she did not think the kitten would have made it throught the weekend if no action was taken…. I know, I know, this all sounds so simple, it’s just a kitten afterall. To some he may be just that, a 4 1/2 week old kitten who got the medical care he needed and therefore he survived. But to me, to my heart, he is a miracle and a testament to the power of love and sharing our gifts and to the goodness of a God who hears and nothing is too small for Him to touch. Love comes in every color and flavor out there, I believe it has no bounds as to who it can effect and who it can heal. There is no one who cannot give it, and although some have a hard time recieving it, it still touches them just like water touches soil when it rains.
A reminder to myself:
Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ~ Romans 12:12
I still have yet to fully understand God in His mysteries, but today I have a miracle with fur that makes my heart have a deeper knowledge of all things beautiful that just a few days ago I struggled to find the hope to see.
An amazing thing happened on Saturday. The vet who we saw on Friday called Saturday morning to inquire after our little Torpedo. I explained as best I could his failing condition and that I did not think he would make it through the weekend. She offered to come to my home, and pick him up and bring him to her home and treat him in her oxygen tank. She is an Angel if I ever did encounter one. Talk about a divine appointment. She has treated Torpedo all weekend, he’s remained in the oxygen tank where he has been recieving double our atmosphere’s oxygen, which has helped him incredibly. She reports that he’s pinked up, that his appetite has returned with a vengence, and that he’s grooming himself. She has noted that when she takes him out of the tank, at first his labored breathing would return, evidence of his decreased lung capacity, but as his treatment has continued he seems to be improving, having spent 30 min. outside the tank yesterday afternoon without labored breathing, until get this… he saw his own shadow and got scared and he did a flip and then began breathing hard! Can you just imagine?
She’s concerned that his belly is really big, which either could be because of the pneumonia extending his lungs down, or it could be because he’s a porker and hasn’t really caught up growing wise because of this stress.
She is calling me everyday with updates and we are so beyond blessed to know that at least he’s getting all the care he needs. I have no idea how much this all will cost me, I am prepared that it may be extensive, but I would pay an arm and a leg not to watch an animal suffer, let alone my son’s kitten who he says is his. The torment.
Anyway… we are so hopeful for Torpedo’s full healing…. I don’t know where to begin to describe how this little creature has climbed into my heart and made his home there. Amazing.
There is a very fine balance that I am just on the edge of. A spacious place is on my one side, and a cliff is right beside it, with a vast deep canyon down below. All I hear is silence on the outside, while the inside of me has a crowd of voices swirling around like a tornado. The Bible says “Perfect love casts out fear…” yet I admit to fear welling up within the vortex of the tornado of voices and gaining in it’s own volume. I’m at a crux. Seeing a little precious life so fragile before my eyes struggle to live. STRUGGLE to LIVE! STRUGGLE TO BREATH! Struggle to CONTINUE. Just one breath after another, as if that is all it can do, as if that is all it wants to do. And here I sit, watching it, and being completely and utterly unable to do anything for it. I can’t hold him because it hurts him. I can’t pet him, because it makes him want to mew, which then takes more of his precious breath that he’s struggling to get. All I can do is just share the room with him and pray and cry, and wonder how to hope.
Wondering how to hope…. it’s as if it’s a struggle, just as the kitten struggles for breath, but continues to take one shallow gasp after another… and so maybe that is what I should do. Just work through the struggle of having one hope after another.
I feel like this moment, this hour, this day is sacred. Like I’m in a bubble where there is something so vital for me to learn and it’s as though it’s on the edge of someplace where I don’t know how to go because I can’t fly and I don’t have a parachute to jump down to see what’s below in the Valley.
What is that quote about better to love than not at all? Love… love… love… hope… hope… hope… breathe… breathe… breathe… monica, just breathe… just one breath after the other… just inhale… exhale… it’s all you can do in this moment… and the moment after that.
hope. feel. live. love. hope………
Well… the little kitty is quite sick. He was released to us tonight, but his breathing is as fast as you can imagine, if not faster. I’m so concerned and crying out in prayer that the two shots of antibiotics and the rest that I will begin giving him tomorrow will begin his healing. The Vet said that if any improvement is to be seen it should happen after his third dose of antibiotics. I’m praying for a miracle, it doesn’t have to be a big one, as he’s just a little thing, but a miracle none the less. My eyes are filled with tears knowing what lies ahead if he doesn’t respond to the antibiotics. Alec and Adair have fresh memories of little Einstein kitten that we had…
+++God, please hear the cry of my heart, and hear the cry of my kid’s hearts. Please be present in this. Please demonstrate your love, and please give us eyes to see it. We are already so attached to this little life you’ve given us to shepherd. Please heal our littlest baby with fur. +++
Torpedo is a girl! [EDIT: Perhaps Torpedo is still a boy. It seems that at the Vet's office, they are in argument over what Torpedo is. Some say boy, others say girl. We will find out if he lives to get older.....]
Well, isn’t that sweet? All this time we thought her a him, and now he is a she. We love her/him/it so it doesn’t matter to us, and thankfully my six year old doesn’t care either… most important to us is that this little kitty gets well. She is still at the Vet, they are watching her and waiting for a stool sample. Poor thing. I really pray the antibiotics work and that she rebounds.
She is a she! Little Torpedo is a girl…. how precious.
Well… the baby kitten, Torpedo, has been growing quite well and has learned what his litter box is for. BUT, last night I noticed him having some shallow and quick breathing. In the past we had the really unfortunate experience of adopting a kitten who ended up having FIP, which is fatal, and that poor kitten (named Einstein) we had to put to sleep and he was only 7 or 8 weeks old, as he had only 25% lung capacity because the disease cause the lungs to fill with fluid.
So, needless to say, with that previous experience, I’m quite alarmed. We brought Torpedo to the Vet this morning, with the hopes that it could just be a respritory infection which is common in orphanned kittens. The Vet called and did say that it is possible that the kitten has either aspirated some fluid in his lungs (from bottle feeding), or that it could have an infection. They are beginning an antibiotic treatment as I type, and they will also treat for worms, which are also common in kittens from a ferrel mother.
I’m hoping for the best here… truly praying for this precious little life who we have connected to. Hoping that he is strong enough to respond to these antibiotics and rebound and live up to the strong name Alec has chosen for him.
Well… here is my start of Quaker Virtues… I’m really enjoying this. It’s a little adventure to stitch, as I wonder where I will go off to next and what little motif my thread will carry me to! Quite fun!
Also, update on little Torpedo. He sure is growing! He’s so cute and has been pleasing me by going potty in the litter box! He also sometimes climbs out of his little box, which is cute too! His teeth are growing in little by little and I’m wondering when I get to transition him to soft mushy food. Hopefully that will tighten up his bm’s. TMI, I know.
Anyway.. summer is here, it’s nice not having to get ready for school everyday! :0
