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I’m not sure how I lost it, or how I gave it away… or even if I just left it somewhere and misplaced it… but I’m quite sure I lost my voice. My expression or language just left me somehow, or I left it… and now I’m curious as to what I can do to regain it. Can I reconnect with the hidden parts of me where my voice still whispers? I’m not sure…. I mean I’m sure it’s possible, but I’m not sure if those voices want to be heard. I think with my last blog I realized outwardly that others were listening and then I suddenly became more aware of how strange my voice sounded, or worse I tried to supplant myself in the ear of a spectator to see how it sounded, and all I could hear was the sound of what your voice sounds like on tape recording, where you think to yourself, “I SOUND LIKE THAT?!?” and you follow that with “THAT’S NOT MY VOICE!”, and the realization of “eeew. Turn it off. Just quit that annoying sound!”
So, I’m at a point where I’m contemplative over can I express again? Can I do it without caring what my voice sounds like to others ears, and instead just center on what it feels like to hear my thoughts while resting in my own skin? I like being free to say and feel and think out loud… but I remember the regret to of commiting to something, even if it is as little as writing it down somewhere, where it becomes visually permanent. Logging a thought into permanence, even though two minutes from now I move on and change and shift… how can I live comfortably knowing that at one point and time I thought out words and expression of something that I afterwards and in another season, I will feel differently from, and moved on from. How can journaling the thought and the progression away from it, or deeper beyond it, coexist? I know they can, and they do inside me all day every day… but somehow the journaling of it, makes it more concrete, where as at least with my mind, I find that they fade away into the vast chasm of me. Somehow that’s more humane than leaving them sitting out there in a cyber journal to collect with other older thoughts that were moved on from.
hmmm… do I have a lot to say? Do I even like Blogger? Is this where I want to say whatever it is I say? Does it matter? I’m not sure… maybe I just need to first focus on what the whispers are saying and if I can hear them.
I hope that once I listen to them a bit more, they’ll rise in their decibel so I don’t have to strain and focus so hard to hear them.
This world is not all about me… I am so thankful for that.
Did I really say that out loud “we’ll see how things go?”
Yeah… I did. And sure enough… we can see how things go, can’t we? NOWHERE! They stayed absolutely in the space of good intention, yet they didn’t walk themselves out into a reality of space and time.
No worries… everyday is a new day, a new dawn, right?
Yes, right.
Feeling contemplative today… over nothing in particular, just lots of things all mixed into a salad of thoughts…
