You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2004.
“I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. ” John 10:10b
Abundantly, full, overflowing, bountious, beyond measure. He gave us life, to live it abundantly. He is the definition of generousity. He came and gave before we ever realized what to ask for, and not only that, He is continually giving to us so that our joy can be made full! “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. “These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.” John 15:10-11
His JOY is IN me and I am full!
What are our greater works? This passage makes my eyes widen… “I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” John 14:12-14 Is this right? Can we through intercession by the leading by the Holy Spirit do greater works that Jesus? Afterall, it is His job now at the right hand of God to give intercession for us (Heb.7:25).
What does it all mean and how is it even possible? I must be reading it wrong. What are they saying here?
Why is it that every now and again, some kind of adware junk will come and take command of my homepage and make it appear like I like I clicked and wanted to go to a casino homepage? We run our Norton once a week, and I did the ad-aware thing this morning to try to remove the annoyance, but it still will just take over at seeminly it’s own will.
Those people are sneaky, crafty little buggars. *sigh* Now I updated Norton again and am running it to find the annoyance. How irking.
Painting seems to some as a mundane chore, but I love it. Absolutely love it. In making the preparations for our renter to move in this weekend, I painted a ton in the basement because it hasn’t been done in a few years and it needed to be freshened up a bit. It’s amazing what paint can do. The way it covers every mark and blemish, all the dirt or grime, and the little dust and yucky things on the baseboards that can’t be totally removed with a toothbrush, sudsy water, and elbow grease. The paint just glides over it all. When you have good paint combined with a good paintbrush with the angled tip, you can load your brush and just draw a new surface over the old.
It was peaceful to paint, and in prayer I accepted that Christ’s ability to give me a fresh coat to cover away the grime of sins, the stains of hurt, and the dust of doubt. It’s a learning experience for me to see that new surface He provides repeatedly. Why is it sometimes hard to accept and live in that fresh new surface with freeing knowledge? Sometimes the normal “wear and tear” of my life harms, dents, chips, and dirties my fresh surface from Christ, but He continually paints a new one for me when I seek Him. It seems to me though, the more paint that goes on, the harder it is to ding, chip and scar the surface… it’s as if the surface underneath, is so protected by the paint it takes something really rough to damage it.
The pigment in the paint astounds me. Have you ever washed out a paintbrush after painting? You can wash it and wash it and still you’ll see the pigment coming from it. It’s not some simple rinse and dry, it’s an extended washing of the brush to clean it. The paint of Christ has so much pigment like that, that’s why it covers the stains of our lives so well, it makes them dissappear under the new coat, and they can no longer be seen.
“…and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:21-23
+++Lord, as I pursue Your pleasure today, I pray to live in the freedom You have given me to be cleansed and new. Every morning I have the joy of knowing that Your faithfulness is new because Your compassions never fail. Please show me where in my heart I am not letting Your cleansing take full effect, please show me where I am living in the past with the dings and scratches of old, instead of taking on my new freshly painted surface and living boldly with the freshness You have given me. Thank You Lord… thank You for the joy of knowing You’ve made me as white as snow.+++
Doug at CoffeSwirls maks a great point here in his post on Misguided Searching. He describes that, “I’m not saying that my blog is the greatest evangelical site out there, but it still should attract more biblical hits than goofy ones, shouldn’t it? Am I off-topic too much or are people seeking me for reasons other than the primary function of the blog? By the same token, if there were no hits for anything of casual interest, would I be an example of salt in the world?”
It got me to thinking that at least on the internet we can become a part of, or be a host to a larger audience… so our comments outside of the lines of theology and casual interest may just draw unto Him, those He intends to plant a tiny seed with as they skim for their intended “fighting porn” search as one of Doug’s search terms, or “poop on a stick” for Reid, or “ice lyrics sarah mclachlan meaning” for one of mine.
I wonder what the search words (or: overheard words) are in our daily lives that bring the attention of others to our voice would be, provided we could check them? What is it that we are saying to others, or when we are overheard talking to our kids, or to friends at the store, or to people in church.. what words are the ones that others are inclining their ears to hear and overhear our conversations? Are they giving a reflection of both topics of our casual interest as well as our heart for God? For me, am I seasoning enough of my speech with the Fruit of the Spirit so that I my converstations eminate the love of Christ? I suspect that I may not be all the time.
It’s one thing to blog about my relationship with God and where He is taking me and growing me in my life, but am I seasoning my speech with Him as much as I should be, so that those overhearing me and inclining their ear to my conversations are getting little seeds from Him planted deep within their hearts?
Something to work on for me I think. For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks, right?
Doug at CoffeeSwirls does an awesome job of describing our Unconditional Election. Totally worth the read and study. Thanks Doug!
If you or the kids don’t pick up the toys you got out before you move on to the next set of things to play with, life can be dangerous. It’s hard to navigate through the pieces of a gazillion legos (with sharp corners), a hundered hot wheel cars, and the total of all the Little People when you’re in a hurry. To put it plainly, that’s how most of the injuries around here happen, for both the kids and I. Somehow Mike escapes these injuries which seems mysterious, and I have yet to solve how he does this.
The destructive powers of my two young children amazes me, and leaves me exhausted, and it’s only a quater after ten o’clock in the morning. And currently, it’s raining outside, so it might prove to be a long day of mothering…. and although my ankle hurts because I fell after trying to avoid some legos, which incidently left a square imprint on the side of my foot, I am almost thinking that what’s the bother of picking up the toys so soon, the day is young, and I think I’ll live dangerously and on the edge today and keep them spread over the entire floor of the family room. I could use more practice at walking in the inbetween spaces on my tippy-tippy-toes while racing for a ringing phone. Plus, it will provide for a time for the kids to improve their own large motor skills of walking through the same chaos, and well, if they get hurt….. maybe they’ll discover the truth about what happens if you scatter your toys over the entire walking surface of the room we reside the majoirity of time! How long to lego imprints in flesh last anyway?
Reid had something I thought would be interesting to see. He posted on How do People Find Faith Gambler?, so I’m turning it into a Meme and going to post how some people find my blog, here goes:
Search words are:
planting seeds (Google)2…ice lyrics sarah mclachlan meaning (Google) 1…”stay at home” tomorrow God Jesus Mother John prayer (Google) 1…tattoo rosemary (Google) 1…jeremy camp tattoo (Yahoo) 1…”tattoo design” icthus (Google) 1… tattoo to god i love you (Google) 1…Jesus is the light painting (Yahoo) 1…”we are young” “we are holy” (Google) 1…to the light (Yahoo) 1…light proverbs (Google) 1…”Wherever you go I’ll find you” (Google) 1…words to say to a pastor who is being installed in a chruch (Google) 1…matt redman facedown lyrics (Google) 1…”you’re love is better than ice cream” lyrics (Google) 1… you’re love is sweeter than ice cream lyrics chocolate (Google) 1… metting myself in the spirit (Yahoo) 1…17 Ginny Owens – Little (Google) 1…Monica Blog (Google) 1…and i’ll fall facedown (Google)
and the most recent of search terms are:
24/08/2004 12:59:47 tattoo design wife children (Google)
24/08/2004 04:26:35 matt redman facedown lyrics (Google)
24/08/2004 00:22:03 heavenly realms (Google)
23/08/2004 18:16:01 blueberry salsa “water bath” (Google)
23/08/2004 18:13:16 “christian vs mormon” (Yahoo)
23/08/2004 11:20:10 light proverbs (Google)
23/08/2004 09:02:02 sheparding a child’s heart (Google)
23/08/2004 08:08:22 homemade “light effects” (Google)
22/08/2004 23:50:16 “crucifixion” “tattoo design” (Yahoo)
22/08/2004 23:11:41 PHOTOS OF PLANTING SEEDS (Yahoo)
mine are definetly more mellow than Reids, but hey, how can you beat “Poop on a Stick?” Impossible to do ; )
Please visit, read, and lift your prayers for these families. Bryan posts this at Spare Change: Praying with a Sad Heart regarding these recent tragedies. My heart goes out and breaks open for those involved. Again, I don’t know how God will use these occurances, but my awareness is heightened and my sensitivity is raw for them.
After writing a book to a cyber friend last night, it got me thinking to my own life. The Spirit filled me to say so much to my friend, and then after I sent the email, I began unraveling my continued thoughts on “How do I smell?” “Am I putting on my colonge of His essance?” I awake to praise Him, and give my day to Him for His direction and I desire to carry the aroma of His life within me, so that it can drift on the breeze of wherever I go, so that people can see Him and be witness to what His love is doing within my heart.
Daily I go through countless inward transformations and smaller seasons within the larger season of my life as a whole, but I am challenging myself to live more outwardly for Him. He deserves that of me. He more than deserves that!!! I hold armfulls of enthusiam for Him and His love to spread to the cold hearts who inwardly question if He is really there. I want to spread His love, and I desire for God to show me how, when, and whom to declare His full heart of love to. I have been more passive than I’d like, mainly because I don’t know fully how to share the scope of Him… either in the way of His heart for others, or in the way that He is giantly filling my heart.
I want to be a white-hot light like Jesus, and for Jesus, shining out of the darkness so that others can see Him, and the direction He fills me with. I am entering into a place to embrace more than the desire to just pray for others, because now I feel turned on to express Him, to witness, even though I don’t really “know how.” I just feel so full of something that I just have to give away or I’ll burst if I don’t let Him out. Although I want to unleash Him to unbelievers, like my dh, I still sense that I have to keep the reigns tight and be in cooperation with God in His timing of how He’s growing and softening Mike’s heart over time. So, unexplicably, I feel this huge energy to unleash, but I can’t just yet…… what do I do with it all? Especially since I don’t really have a definition for what it all is, I just know my heart is leaping within me for Him. I don’t even know how to express and witness effectively, and I am afraid in some ways of bumbeling and then being misunderstood, or worse, having someone misunderstand God. I believe though, and know actually, that God would cover me, if I was just wanting to share His heart, so He would take it and transform whatever I say into just what they needed to hear, or He would make their ears tune out what they had not the space for understanding yet.
The Holy Spirit is tumbeling so much within me, I’m encountering His presense, and I want to shower His love.
……….
+Listening to Jars of Clay – song: Jealous Kind… AWESOME SONG!+ He’s always so after our hearts… that’s His delight, is having our heart beating loudly for His… nothing gives Him more joy than us being head over heels for Him and His intentions… and even when we put things before Him and are unfaithful, He is still ready to die for us, with a full out rage for us to know He loves us, again and again He shows us, so that we firmly write it on our hearts that we belong to only Him.
+++Father…. thank you for being the torch to the kindling in my heart, so that I can be on fire to eminate Your glory. Help me to see and live the scope of radiance that You’ve placed as a gift within my heart. You’ve created us all so uniquely, and I treasure the enthusiam You placed within me and others, to worship you OUT LOUD! Show us how to live abundantly, intentionally, and learn to dream with You, to see Your dreams, because I know I want them to be mine as well… Your creativity is fathomless to me, and I look to today and the future with a desperate hunger to find the atmosphere to share You.+++
Praises! We found a renter for our basement apartment after much searching and the patience paid off. We found a girl who is a single mom of an 11 yr. old and they are both as sweet as can be, and the mom has excellent rental references. It’s a relief financially to know that we have it filled for September onward by someone who I feel God has warmed my heart to, because I recognized her from school and the bar & grill I waitressed at in college. Even though I didn’t know her name, or really be able to place her to any particular memory… I think her coming to see the apartment was a divine appointment, not only for us to find a renter, but somewhere I know God will use me as well to give back to her what she will give to us.
++What a relief Lord to feel Your hand in the timing of this, and in the gift of providing her to stand out from the others who seemed interested but didn’t fit for one reason or another. You made our choice so easy, almost as if we didn’t have to make a choice at all… You knew who was best. Thank You. I love seeing and feeling Your guidance inside me, and all around me. Lord, I’m so relaxed in You, and in all that I continue to understand of You. Please bless her and her daughter in everyway as she makes this transition into living downstairs, please pour Your joy on her in affirmation of this being a divine appointment, set up by Your awesome sight. In this new relationship and in all that I do Lord, please give and open doors, give open hearts, and open my mouth to speak of Your purest and unfailing love and Good News.++
There are some books I’ve been wanting to get that I have on my wishlist at cbd.com. I have so many on there now I don’t know which one to get first, nor is it possible to get them all at the same time. Has anyone read any of these to give feedback and maybe a rating on where it should be on my list? Just thought I’d ask.
Here goes the list in no particular order:
The Family Blessing, by Rolf Garborg
Forever Ruined for the Ordinary, by Joy Dawson
God’s Timing for Your Life: Seeing the Seasons of Your Life Through God’s Eyes, by Dutch Sheets
FaceDOWN, by Matt Redman (plus the cd : )
You May All Prophesy, by Steve Thompson
Intercessory Prayer, by Dutch Sheets
The Lost Art of Intercession: Restoring the Power and Passion of the Watch of the Lord, by Jim Goll
The Voice of God, by Cindy Jacobs
Beyond the Veil, by Alice Smith
The Prophetic Ministry, by Rick Joyner
Suprised by the Power of the Spirit/Suprised by the Voice of God, by Jack Deere
Beginner’s Guide to the Gift of Prophecy, by Jack Deere
What the Bible Says About Spiritual Warefare, by C. Peter Wagner
I also have a list written down somewhere with a few other titles that I’ve written down over the course of time, but it’s location alludes me.
what an awesome tune to have in my head, what an awesome love song – of the purest kind.
You are my supply, my breath of life
Still more awesome than I know.
You are my reward, worth living for
Still more awesome than I know.
And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough
You’re my sacrifice, of greatest price
Still more awesome than I know.
You’re my coming King, You’re my everything
Still more awesome than I know.
And all of you, is more than enough for
All of me, for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough
You are more than enough.
More than all I want, more than all I need
You are more than enough for me.
More than all I know, more than all I can see
You are more than enough for me.
More than all I want, more than all I need
You are more than enough for me.
More than all I know, more than all I can see
You are more than enough.
All of you, is more than enough for
All of me, for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you. (Oh Yeah)
And all I have in you. (Jesus)
And all I have in you is more than enough.
More than enough.
For the last several months I have felt as if I have stepped into a calling that God has for me, and yet I haven’t been outward in sharing what He has been expressing in my heart. I haven’t quite known how to speak of what’s occuring within me, on a personal level with my awareness to spiritual gifts that the Father has placed in my hand, or on a level where my relationships with those around me is evolving into something that the Father wants me to call out to Him on their behalf.
I feel the Holy Spirit prompting me from the left, right, top and bottom with people to pray for. Some people I haven’t seen in ages, others I saw just a day ago, and still a few more of people I have never met. Intercession is something I’m discovering that God is giving me a heart for, and yet, I at times find the depth of it alludes me. I’m trusting in my prayer language to voice the spiritual words, mysteries, and prayers that the Spirit wants to release into the unseen realm. The faith of my heart sees Christ collect these prayers in the Spirit into His embrace and I know that He will continue on with the intercession.
Although God has been releasing new wisdom to me, I am finding it odd that I don’t know how to explain it, either because it is so new to me and I don’t quite understand, or because the Spirit is still evolving it all within my heart and personalizing it to my uniqueness. Does that make sense? I’m awakening to a ministry of sorts, but it’s an inner ministry between God and I, that is soley based on praying and listening to Him to hear His heart. I am joyous over these new places He is taking me, because it’s so far deeper than I’ve ever known, and because I feel the Spirit guiding me to discoveries that I know God has been preparing for me. But knowing that I can’t put words to them or figure them out has been something that has gotten in the way of moving forward in them, and why recently I blogged on asking God to upturn the card catalogs of my analytical mind. I have been brought to a place to begin understanding in more depth what it means to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I want Him to manifest Himself boldly within me, and give me a continued deeper fire of desire to seek God’s heart.
Over the last several months, I have found that God is laying on my heart a glimpse into His heart…. and it’s SO huge, that I am overwhelmed with joy at this relationship with Him that He has always been there for me, but I have been unaware of it’s true presense. In some ways that this all is still too small to capture the way He is channeling my faith….. I can’t describe any of what He’s growing me into accurately, I simply don’t have a vocabulary for it yet.
My prayers are deepening, His response and presense is so much more appearant than I have ever dreamed. I am being challenged to see, feel, and know the true meaning of what having a new heart in Him is. I am learning to let go and dream with Him… for myself, for others, and most of all, to catch a glimpse into His dreams. My alone time with Him, whether I am silent in His embrace, or praying prayers in either my natural tongue, or in the prayer language that His Spirit within me gives me voice for, all this time with Him truly revealing to me, that He is my treasured place that I covet most. He has taken me to the doorway to His heart in prayer, which through I am free to come and go as my heart desires, or as I feel His Spirit invite me to join Him in divine appointments.
I am almost cautious to post this, because I am just learning how to hold and recognize this tip of the iceberg that the Spirit has lead me to step on. I also at times feel little lies from the accuser trying to get me to turn my attention from this in attempts to get me to rationalize my way out of it all. But then I know that the enemy has been the closest to God, and he knows the freedom of that inner chamber with God, and that is where his scemes are most vulnerable is if I am in that place with God. I am putting on the full armor of God and relying soley on Him to continue to show me the way.
++Lord, thank you for trusting me with the newness of all of this, and for transforming me with Your precious Spirit. I’m hungry for more of You.++
Found this Who Is This ‘Self’ Guy? over at Walking the Dogma… love the post, thoughts it generated, along with the comments. I’m posting it here because I want to reread it later & don’t want to lose the location.
Bill (aka HarryTick™) posted this:
Who Is This ‘Self’ Guy?
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”
—Matt 16:24, NIV
What is it that Jesus expects from us here? Is it that we should take up a cross, some obscure burden or mission or ministry in order to follow him? Does he mean that we are to put everybody else first and ignore ourselves?
So much has been made of this ‘die to self, live to God’ phrase that pops up with Paul and seems to be echoed here by Jesus. I think it’s time we relooked what we’ve been told and figure out just exactly what we think it means.
I think he means that we shouldn’t put any trust in the things we do in this world to get us in good with God.
What do you think he means?
(The Comments that followed are great and they follow:)
One of my closest friends has an older sister that lives in Iowa, and on top of her sister just being treated for breast cancer by a mastectomy as well as starting chemo, her sister’s daughter (my friends niece) had close friends die in an explosion. Appearantly her friends were playing with explosives in a barn and two of the boys were killed and one is unstable in ICU and barely hanging on. That is a lot for a girl of 16 to deal with… a mom fighting cancer and close high school friends, neighbors, and a swim teammate all being involved in this tragedy. My friend is leaving for Iowa to stay with her sister on this Friday and I am praying that the Holy Spirit empowers her to minister to her family during this difficult time. I am also praying for favor that her family will be open to hearing my friend proclaim God’s heart for them and that they can all begin healing from within from His fresh encouragement.
Why is it that kids make poor decisions and play dangerously? I can’t imagine what was running through their mind, and to know that this could have been prevented is haunting and their parents must feel devastated. The two young men who died were appearantly going to be leaving for their perspective Universities yesterday, but one died in his mother’s arms, the other died instantly, while the third boy has burns over 60% of his body and severe internal injuries.
How do you pray in this situation… how do you talk to God when you are so confused over how and why this happened? How do you try to encourage a young girl whose mom is fighthing stage II breast cancer and whose friends and family are dealing with the results of an aweful decision that took the life of two young men and harmed another. How do you raise your kids to be safe and make good decisions so that you don’t have to face the same thing when they are older? Why do kids do that? Why does my friend’s sister have cancer? Why God? Where is the purpose in all of this? I know Your ways are higher than mine…. but I’m struggeling to understand right now. I’m shrugging and shaking my head because I can’t piece it together & I’m giving up trying, because there is no way for me to grasp this. Please reveal Your will to me and give me the wisdom to understand that which You want me to, as well as the ability to let go of the things I have no need to understand. I trust You and Your heart, but I have to let You know I’m confused and so sad that my heart breaks for them.
Swimming is one of my all time favorite sports, mainly because I was a competetive swimmer in high school, so… to see them compete in the summer Olymics is a highlight of the games for me. I love seeing them break records or just winning the gold (regardless of what nation), it’s amazing and actually gets my heart pounding so fast that I can hardly speak. Luckily, my husband was also a competetive swimmer in high school so he understands my breathlessness and excitement. I particularly love watching what I specialized in, the distance IM’s, the Medly Relays, and the distance freestyle finals. They shatter times that were my best, but that makes it even sweeter to watch them… because I can appriciate their skill and strength. It sounds weird, but watching them transports me to being right within their heart and making every stroke, kick and breath. I love winning the gold medal! : D
We are back and the saying is so true that “there is no place like home.” What a joy to walk back into your own home after a long day of driving. God was faithful to have a hedge of protection around us while driving, as well as being nearby while we visited with family. Adair and Alec did really well on the long drives, and they adjusted great to the sweltering temps in Riverside and being able to sleep in beds that weren’t their own. I’m amazed at their adaptability, while at the same time I am shocked at my own appearant lack thereof. Where they adjusted well to the temps, I inwardly whined. Where they slept easily in a new bed, I tossed and turned. Where they enjoyed every moment, I found myself at times wishing I was already home. When I watch them, I really have so much to learn in how to recapture their simple way of giving attention to the moment at hand, and not other things. Their focus is so pure and undistracted, I’m wondering how I could be more like that. I am secure now that we are home and just feel so at peace here. Even though I grew up in southern Calif., it’s not my home anymore and I feel like a fish out of water while I’m there. The pace of life is so quick, the sights and sounds are so full that it fills my head with static and a constant buzz and it tires my senses. I missed seeing the bluest blue skies that I get to see everyday here, I missed my ice-cold water that I can drink out of the tap without having to put in ice cubes in it, I missed the quietness of the landscape. And, I missed my own toilet and being able to poop without feeling like I was stinking up someone elses bathroom. LOL!
Anyway, we spent all day Wed. driving, and when we arrived, we had a great visit with my brother (4 yrs. older than me) and his wife, and we shared lots of laughs, and we unloaded a ton of baby gear that will be useful when their little one comes along in January. On Thursday, my Mom came to visit us at my brothers and we just played all day at my brother’s home. On Friday, we drove to Long Beach and visited with my Mom, Step-Dad, and Grandmother, where we enjoyed a time of visiting and keeping the kids safe from my parents new dog (an 8 mo. old girl puppy that is hyper and loves to jump up). On Saturday, we went to the San Diego zoo and enjoyed the Pandas, Polar Bears, the sleepy Koala bears, and the peeing Jiraffes. Then Sunday my sister in law (an optomotrist) checked our eyes, then later Mike and I drove to San Diego for my childhood friend’s wedding, which was so beautiful and sweet, that I cried over her visable happiness. I realize how much I miss her, but am so joyous over her life and I feel called to intercession for her to find Christ in His timing.
We left to drive home on Monday, and I occupied myself during much of the drive in prayer for many different things, and the time covering the landscape along the way in talks with God really filled a need to focus on something. Although I spent time with Him in that way, I found it hard to refocus on prayer when the interruptions came along the way… I never quite know where I left off, or where to pick up again, as I don’t want to be redundant in prayer or praise to Him, but I know He knows where my heart is, so I just would often end up sitting quietly until the Spirit prompted me with another direction.
Many things to do now that we’re back…. have to find a renter for the basement, and soon, need to make some cosmetic improvements to the apartment as well, need to get the kids adjusted back to the home schedule and routine, along with tighten up on discipline again, because many things slipped while we were gone. I need to get back to reading my Bible… and I’m missing listening to praise music, so I must get some more in my head asap.
Two things I tasted while I was gone that were absolutely delicious were Nanaimo Bars (can you say YUM! in Canadian? Aie!), and then some Christmas Cookies (oh wow!). Both haunted my dreams and I had visions of having a plate of them all to myself ; ) Ohh, and I also went to Trader Joe’s and sooooo wish that we had one here in Utah. Someday I guess! : )
Smiles! : D
Well, we’ve been packing up the truck with all the goods and we’re getting ready for our drive to southern California tomorrow. We’re leaving at the crack of dawn (5am) and with the 12 expected drive, plus potty breaks, I guess we’ll arrive at my brother’s house in Riverside at 5pm-ish (time there is one hour earlier, so we’ll gain an hour). Long day expected, but I think I’ve got lots of things to keep the kids occupied while we’re on the road.
So, no blogging until early next week. The time will be nice to spend with family and friends. smiles & hugs!
…Adair was reading a pretend story, it started out like this “One ponce a time…”…
…Alec was singing “HAH-YAY-U-YA” over an over after we listened to a song by Jennifer Knapp & Mac Powell called “Sing Alleluia,” Alec’s singing was the sweetest music my ears have ever heard…
…Adair was limping around the house, I asked her “What’s wrong?” she replied, “My foot hurts because I was walking too hard.”…
…Alec asking, “Can I have some more banilla wipers?” = translation is, “Can I have more Vanilla Wafers?”…
Much of my experience growing up revolved around trying to be the caretaker. After my dad died when I was seven and a half, my mom got remarried and she joined my step-dad in alcoholism, and for those of you who are totally unfamiliar with the disease, it’s disruptive to every aspect of life, especially if you are a child. Amidst the caos of parents whose lifestyle revolved around drinking and parties, I grew up trying to tie the loose ends or to make what ends I could find meet. Somehow this “caretaker” role that I assumed as an adolescent served my family well enough, and helped me to grow up more quickly than most of my friends.
Now however, in my relationship and walk with God, I’m am faced with the realiziation that I don’t need to hold onto that caretaker role anymore. I am no longer facing a drunk mother and a drunk step-father who is verbally abusive to her, I am no longer facing the fears that surrounded me while I was younger.
For most, I assume they find it easy to walk along with God and take whatever comes along and enjoy it… but for me… I often find myself wanting to figure things out, how they fit, where to file them away in the card catalog in my mind, and where to align things to make things neat and orderly in process. I do this in a way to keep in control over what I’m taking in, and so that I can be more accurate in my perceptions of the things that are occuring around me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been analytical in my reasoning and assumptions… but now, in my current season in life, I’m finding the role to be tiring. In my walk with God, I have come to the conclusion that I want to let go of my old card catalog (like they used to have in libraries with lots of drawers with little cards in them ; ), and not have to worry about analyzing everything that comes in, and just take a step back from the paralyizing close view that I often assume. I prayed a few days ago for God to upturn my card catalog and help me to let go of the internal need to organize my thoughts or new information and things I’m learning so that I can just go along and enjoy as God is giving and supplying appointments for me. I know that there is no way on earth, I can try to organize everything onto little mental notes in my mind, or into the correct boxes that they belong. I don’t want to limit myself in that anymore. I sometimes want and pray for a clearer picture of what God’s will is for this or that, instead of just releasing myself to dream with Him and let go into an avenue of thinking that the Holy Spirit can guide me in.
I can’t come under the power of the Holy Spirit unless I release my control over trying to make sense of all the things that are occuring within me. For some this may seem like a weird issue, but for me, when I have things that are happening within me by the Holy Spirit, that I don’t yet have the language for, or that I don’t quite yet know how to even hold, I get paralyzed in my growth, because I sit with a furrowed brow trying to analyze what’s happening and figure it out before it’s time. I know God will reveal everything to me in His own perfect time, so what’s the point of me trying to furrow my brow to figure it out, when I simply can’t because I’m not there yet? Does any of this make sense? It’s still all jumbled within me, and I am still thinking that I don’t know what this really means, but I don’t care. : ) I just know I have asked God to upturn my catergories and help me to flow into a place with Him so that I can grow… without the internal safety devices that I put into place so long ago. I don’t need to be safe from God! He IS my safety. I don’t need to catergorize what He gives me, because He’s got the whole darn view in front of Him, He knows what He’s doing. I trust Him.
++Upturn my thinking Lord, I release control to Your Spirit within me, I surrender my previous way of coping to You, and I assume You as my strength whom I will commit my confusions for You to figure out.++
Taking some time to sit with God and refocus thoughts and my heart. I’ll be back soon.
It’s one of those days where I’m not quite sure where the balance went. Somehow my mom equilibrium is off kilter, or the kids are just pushing my buttons and testing the boundaries. Can you scream *AAAAAACK!*? I can and am.
From the looks of it, it appears that my kids have forgotten several things; the definition of sharing and how to do it, the youngest has forgotten that we don’t throw things in the house, they have both forgotton how to behave when given a time out, as well as how to just use “our inside voices” and not scream at the top of our lungs.
If I could run away without looking back today, I’d be gone in a second to go hide in a cave like Elijah. Since I can’t leave the kids however because Mike is at work, I guess I can go hide in my closet, and try to pray. I’ve been trying that all morning though, and I’m praying that God is hearing it all, even through the interruptions of the kids, me, or what feels like momzilla. Somehow I’m questioning if I’m measuring up today to anything good while I try to take every thought and make it captive to Christ. I’m failing in many ways today to live in and demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit. I need to get busy cleaning out my closet so I can hide in it today.
