not Jerry Garcia, (*wink*) but the kind of deadheading that a gardener does… I’ll get to that later.

I’ve been thinking lately, about how I come and go into God’s presence. It fascinates me. At times I feel like I’m surrounded and basking in His warmest embrace, while at other times, I feel like I’m glimpsing at Him through a window. I always know where He is, and how to find Him, because He never changes that, but I think that what does change, is the timing and reasons why I am seeking Him.

Some days I am better at keeping a continual communication with Him through prayer, by me just sharing with Him the adventures of my day, and the discoveries I’ve made along the way. But, something I’ve noticed though, is that it’s entirely another thing to hear back from Him on the same continual basis that I seek Him. It’s not that He isn’t speaking to me in that same conversational flow, because I know He is, it’s that I am not attune to His station at all times. How can I be, when my kids fill up the radio channels of my mind with their constant chatter, or having the other background noise of the phone ringing, the cats meowing to go outside or scratching to come back in, the washer and dryer going, Raffi playing on the stereo *grins*, my husband sharing with me about his motorcycle, as well as all the other static of my own thoughts, that I’m simply trying to make sense of.

It’s awful to know that I don’t hear and listen to what the Spirit is sharing with me, but, there’s something that erases that inner grief. It’s the times when out of the clear blue, He whisks me away, and vacuums me into His presence, to share with me the switching on of a lightbulb in my heart and mind! Where I am witness to the dawning of His awesome Light into my vision. He opens the scope of my sight to see a glimpse of the broader picture that He has. Those times of instant transportation, are the hardest to beat, as well as the hardest to describe, and explain to others in a way to do them justice. I hunger repeatedly for Him to give me those moments in my everyday, but I know that there is purpose in the way that He reveals Himself, as well as in the way that He desires for my seeking and hungering for Him. In the quiet moments when my kids are in bed for the night, and the house is still, I can once again center on Him… and in those times, I find the hints He leaves for me, to delve deeper, into His love, grace, and Word.

Today, He revealed to me in the smallest whisper and subtle way, how He is transforming me. He is being the gardener in my life. In order for a gardener to help a plant grow to it’s potential, they need to deadhead the spent blooms, pinch the plant back in certain areas, fertilize and water, and provide maintenance. The deadheading coaxes the plant to rebloom, the pinching back promotes a fuller stem and thicker plant, while the rest, fertilizing, water, and maintenance, all ensure survival. God deadheads my spent blooms to coax rebloom, by the way that sometimes He is a little more distant, particularly after a time where I have just felt His close presence (bloom). The reason this coaxes rebloom, is that I dive into the Word with a refreshed desire for deeper understanding, and seek Him in prayer more throughout the day when I feel that I haven’t “heard” anything from His Spirit. He is waiting for me in these times to pull myself into Him! Throughout His maintenance of me, His in deadheading or pinching back little growths, to give me the opportunities to find and seek His heart for me, and not to go at things with my own tiny view. Pinching back is His way of scrutinizing my path, because only He knows my every thought, even if I try to hide it from Him. All of it, is His way of reminding me to live in surrender to Him… to look through the clutter of the day to find His glory and provisions. He supplies me with all the fertilizer, water, and maintenance I need through His Word, through Christ, and through the Holy Spirit who keeps me focused and growing.

I am mirroring His glory and illumination. He is transforming me, so that His works can be displayed through me, as by-products of Christ’s control of my heart, visable through love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Everyday I find new challanges, within me, and in my relationships to those around me. But He is constant, always there to guide me, accept me, and embrace me… even when, and especially when, I fail.